Thursday, February 23, 2012

Notes from the Mad Science Lab: Garden Pests

I've noticed a lot of people starting up gardens recently. Between the rising costs of groceries, the recent rash of tainted foods, and the difficulties of finding fresh, quality produce in a world that lives on industrial agriculture... well, this sudden interest in growing one's own food is both commendable, and at the same time unsurprising.

Gardening, however, is not always easy. Even with constant care and attention, gardens can fall prey to any number of difficulties. Among the most annoying (if not the most destructive) are the many animals who look with greedy eyes on the results of your patience and hard work. Even a single rabbit can ruin an amazing number of plants if it gets access to your garden, and that's nothing when compared to the damage done each year by larger burrowing animals such as badgers and wombats.

Well, worry no more. America's Mad Scientists are here to help. Today we unveil the results of the G.G.G.W. project: the Giant Guardian Garden Worm. Though they start small, at a mere twelve inches long, our worms can grow up to eighteen feet in length. They have been carefully bred to seek out and lair beside common garden crops such as peas, carrots, onions, beans, corn, potatoes, and radishes. Lurking just below the surface of the ground, they can feel the vibrations created by approaching footsteps. When any sort of pest approaches too closely or tugs at one of your plants, the worm will rise up and devour it. Best of all, the waste products left by worms make excellent fertilizer, and their movements aerate the soil. Your garden is now completely safe, since the Giant Guardian Garden Worms can work together to take down even a larger intruder such as a stray horse or cow.

Many of you are no doubt wondering how much you will have to pay for such comprehensive protection of your plants. Never fear! The Mad Science Consortium has agreed to make Giant Guardian Garden Worms freely available, and in fact the first batch was released into the wilds of central Ohio just last week. They will reproduce on their own, spreading from garden to garden, living on a steady diet of would-be pests. Even as I speak, more Giant Guardian Garden Worms are being released in Peru, Albania, Germany, Italy, Australia, Cambodia, China, and Vermont. Soon they will be everywhere, a constant presence protecting humanity's food from the depredations of the natural world. By this time next year we expect to release the first generation of Armored Guardian Tree Wasps, which will protect your orchards and vineyards in the much same way that the Giant Guardian Garden Worms protect your crops and gardens.

Let me emphasize this once more: there is no cost for this service. It is already done. For America's Mad Scientists, your thanks are payment enough.


  1. "the Giant Guardian Garden Worms can work together to take down even a larger intruder such as a stray horse or cow."

    Ummm....what happens when I try to harvest my garden?

  2. Intriguingly, the email that landed in my box right after the notification that you'd commented was titled, "Certain Death." Purely coincidental, I'm sure.

  3. The mad scientist's consortium obviously didn't heed the cautionary tale of the Australlian Cane Toad. This is sure to be an ecological disaster. What happens when the breed into the millions, gobbling up stray horses and gardeners at every chance they get?

  4. I, for one, welcome a world composed solely of crops, worms, and wasps.

  5. I love my readers, especially for your juicy, juicy brains...

  6. You could always train the worms to recognize a simple tapdance routine and allow the dancer to pass unharmed.

    *looks down at two left feet*


    Oh yeah, and if you're embarking on an anti-rabbit crusade, don't read "Peter Rabbit" stories to your kids.


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