End of July horoscopes: Indiana Jones Variations

Aries:
Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

Taurus:
Wasps. Why did it have to be wasps?

Gemini:
Spiders. Why did it have to be spiders?

Cancer:
Rats. Why did it have to be rats?

Leo:
Turkeys. Why did it have to be turkeys?

Virgo:
Hippos. Why did it have to be hippos?

Libra:
Cassowaries. Why did it have to be cassowaries?

Scorpio:
Jehovah's Witnesses. Why did it have to be Jehovah's Witnesses?

Sagittarius:
Wolves. Why did it have to be wolves?

Capricorn:
Bison. Why did it have to be bison?

Aquarius:
Corgis. Why did it have to be corgis?

Pisces:
Piranhas. Why did it have to be piranhas?

Raiders of the Lost Bedroom

So... Secondborn has been playing Lego Indiana Jones. This was enough to convince the boys to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. (In the opening scene with the boulder rolling through the temple, Firstborn said: "That scene has been in everything!" His mother nodded: "And they all took it from here. This is the movie that did it first.") Anyway, having played the Lego game and watched the movie, Secondborn has become... interested in Indiana Jones. So much so that he asked for an Indiana Jones costume for his birthday. The costume, naturally, came with a bull whip. The bullwhip, naturally, was a costume piece. The costume piece, naturally, lasted about two days before Secondborn broke it while trying to swing across a chasm.

Clearly, it was time for Daddy to come to the rescue. So I got online, looked at what was available, and ordered him a new bull whip. This one is leather, and about six feet long, and much stronger than the first one.

I... might have made a mistake.

Someone start this magazine, please!

So I'm skimming down through a list of magazines for a website. And as I'm going down the list, I encounter:

• India Today
• Mother Jones

...And because I was skimming, my brain conflated the two entries into "Indiana Jones Today."

Now I'm all disappointed. I would totally have read that magazine if it really existed. Just think: it could have articles on archaeology, anthropology, cryptozoology, weird science and historical conspiracy theories, travel, and how to use your bullwhip! Who wouldn't read a magazine like that?