Having come into a bit of money, we're now looking at moving to England. Found a lovely fixer-upper at a very affordable price, and it's probably not even haunted. So... look for big changes (and probably a serious disruption to my writing here) over the next six months or so as we start getting ready for this next stage in our lives.
Where will we be living? Well, take a look!
(This post is part of the Wednesday Weekly Blogging Challenge. You can find links to other writers' answers over at Long and Short Reviews. I have not been following along as reliably this year as I did in previous years, but I'm still participating! Kind of.)
Prompt: Describe your sense of humorAddams Family meets Dad Jokes? I'm tempted to say, "I don't know, I only just recently got it back!" Which is actually more true than I'd really like to admit; turns out I should have moved to a new job years ago. Eh, live and learn, I guess. So all right, some examples:
Example One
Me: "Well, the prerequisites installed just fine. The upgrade, however, did not."
Co-worker: "Why does it always have to be so difficult?"
Me: "Impiety."
Co-worker: "That is... not a word I hear very often."
Me: "I mean, Herakles had his labors; Prometheus had -- or often lacked -- his liver; and I must therefore assume that I, too, have offended the gods. Probably by being better looking than them. Zeus gets real prickly about that sort of thing."
Example Two
Email to my boss about the same upgrade: "Well, I still can't get it to run. I shall now curse the gods for this unkindness and go to sleep. I'll try it again in the morning after food and some kind of pagan sacrifice."
Example Three
There are small plastic skeletons in the breakroom. Just a few of them. One's on top of the fridge, one's inside a cabinet, another is on a windowsill, another standing on the top edge of the blackboard. There will be more of them, and in more areas, as we approach Halloween; I have bags of the things. Under no circumstances will I admit to being the one putting them in place.
On a related note, there is a sign on our fence that says, "Caution: Velociraptor Enclosure. Licensed Handlers Only."
Bad Puns and Dad Jokes
If I fix myself myself a waffle and eat it in secret, would you consider that action syrup-titious?
If I were to fire up the old gene sequencer and cross a homing pigeon with a piranha, do you suppose it would come back to bite me?
(This post is part of the Wednesday Weekly Blogging Challenge. You can find links to other writers' answers over at Long and Short Reviews.)
Prompt: Something Funny That Happened To Me
So I've been thinking about this for a couple of days, and I'm honestly not coming up with much -- which is probably more a failure of memory on my part than a lack of Humorous Events in my life. But I went digging around, and finally came up with one:
A couple of years back, I received a phishing scam in my inbox. It happens; usually it's not a big deal.
Problem is, this one was fairly convincing: the email address had been spoofed and looked more-than-reasonably legitimate, the text was clear and simple and didn't have a lot of typos (some, but not many, and nothing that was obviously a non-native English speaker). The only real "tell" was that if you hovered over the link, it went to something random and definitely not anywhere on our site/network.
And I looked at that and thought, "Holy hell! If I got this, then other
people are getting it too, and it's too good - somebody's going to fall
for it." So I immediately stopped what I was doing, and composed a
warning by forwarding the thing with the link removed and a big note at
the top that said:
This is not from Information Technology. This is a phishing scam.
Do not click on the link, do not fill anything out. If you already did, please contact the help desk immediately.
Being the good little IT person that I am, I sent the warning to everybody in the organization.
...And immediately got a visit from the Director of IT, because apparently this was a test they were running on the IT staff and I'd just spoiled it.
I make no apologies for this.
All right, it's Thursday. Look over your plans, gather everything you'll need to fulfill them, and then realize that everything has gone wrong and your plans are never going to work. Take a moment to have a small nervous breakdown, then make some new plans in the full knowledge that those too will be interrupted. Yes, it's probably going to be like this all day. Honestly, you might as well just give up and go back to bed now.
Do you have a private laboratory or secret lair hidden out in the desert? Are you concerned with finding the right balance between security and discretion? Do you need sophisticated, versatile, highly-mobile guards who won't attract attention to your activities?
Well, Savage Labs has the answer for you: Voltures! Our solar-powered, self-sustaining drones are equipped with the latest in sensory equipment and intrusion detection technology, guided by a state of the art artificial intelligence capable of distinguishing between innocent desert animals, mood-altered teenagers who took a wrong turn, and attempted trespass by agents of your rival mad scientists or overbearing government agencies.
And should they detect a potential issue, the Savage Labs MK IV SPSS Voltures are able to deliver a controlled electric shock capable of anything from startling to a mouse to dropping a rhinocerous.
Yet, until their defense algorithms are tripped, SSPS Voltures are indistinguishable from ordinary desert scavengers: they flap, they circle, they sometimes come down to the ground as if something tasty had died. Intruders won't see anything unusual until it's far too late. Savage Labs Voltures offer the perfect mix of discretion and defense. Purchase yours today!
Savage Labs: where Mad Science helps keep the world safe for Mad Science.
Aries:
Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
Taurus:
Wasps. Why did it have to be wasps?
Gemini:
Spiders. Why did it have to be spiders?
Cancer:
Rats. Why did it have to be rats?
Leo:
Turkeys. Why did it have to be turkeys?
Virgo:
Hippos. Why did it have to be hippos?
Libra:
Cassowaries. Why did it have to be cassowaries?
Scorpio:
Jehovah's Witnesses. Why did it have to be Jehovah's Witnesses?
Sagittarius:
Wolves. Why did it have to be wolves?
Capricorn:
Bison. Why did it have to be bison?
Aquarius:
Corgis. Why did it have to be corgis?
Pisces:
Piranhas. Why did it have to be piranhas?
Aries:
The mists gather, softening the world, muffling sounds and hiding objects. They thicken, limiting your vision, until all that remains is you. The world might still be there when the mists depart, but I wouldn't count on it.
Taurus:
The waters rise, carving away the coastal cities, driven by strange tides and once-impossible currents. They sweep onto the land, a steady success of invasions and retreats, eroding farmlands and industrial centers alike, driving the survivors to ever-higher ground.
Gemini:
The melting of the ice caps released them from their imprisonment in Lake Vostok. We do not speak of them; we can barely see them. Their influence is measured by the ever-expanding zone of mysterious disappearances and strange transformations.
Cancer:
The storms roll through, driven by the rising heat of the atmosphere: floods and droughts, side by side, lightning storms that melt buildings, winds that flatten cities. There is no stopping it; it is too late for that, and the underground cities are only a stopgap. They were never meant to be permanent homes for what remains of humanity.
Leo:
The world is empty. We wander through the cities, meeting and parting, trapped in the broken reflections of what was once our world. We cannot form families, alliances, societies; we are gone from each other almost as soon as we meet, will we or not.
Virgo:
It was a magnificent effort: a massive artificial intelligence, self-educating but able to access the whole of the world's knowledge. It was supposed to save us, to show us how to turn back from the edge. Instead, it shut itself down in disgust.
Libra:
It started innocently enough: we were all so tired. It was only natural to lie down and sleep. A few extra hours here or there, to make up for what we'd miss. Maybe an extra day. Maybe two. Maybe a week, or more. Now the last remnants of the wakeful wander through a world of blissful dreamers.
Scorpio:
We had no idea they were among us. It seems very possible they didn't know themselves. Then the signal came, and there they were: marching in the streets in their matching uniforms, rounding up the ones who opposed them: nameless, faceless, all driven by the same will. Perhaps we could oppose them, if we only knew the source...
Sagittarius:
The end of the world came without drama, just a slow grinding down of everything as we used up the last of our resources and all the great achievements of our technology and civilization fell to pieces. Even the great die-off was a slow, gradual thing. Our lives are not bad lives, those that are left, but we live them knowing that we will never again be what our people once were.
Capricorn:
It was that research into psychic phenomena, back into the seventies. Fifty-some-odd years trying to isolate the ability, verify it, tie it to something genetic or trainable. Then they created the children, thinking that children would be well-behaved and biddable. They were so, so very surprised.
Aquarius:
They say it was something at the supercollider that set of the rippling patterns of instabilities, swapping bits of our world for others, turning loose new plants and animals and ecosystems, changing everything. We may yet survive, if we're fast enough to adapt, but we can lose anything at any time.
It's Thursday, my dark and gleaming darlings. Time to gather yourselves, and plot your next moves. Listen to the voices: behind the walls, under the floors, beyond the skies. Emulate the moon as she changes. Meet the soulless gaze of the distant stars, and learn wisdom from their unspoken words. You are chosen; you are special; you are worthy.
Curse a single victim each day this week: someone horrible, someone deserving, someone who has wronged you or yours, directly or indirectly. Study one power, and take it for your own. Cultivate one ally, and bless their efforts and their growth. Feel the slow, steady pulse of the world and breathe it in. Align yourself with it. Make ready to defend it.
Stretch your talons from the shadows alone, or find others there and hunt in packs. Join the drummers and the dancers and the watchers at the high fires, or stare alone into a single candle flame. Whisper back to the night wind, or sing back to the calls of distant beasts. Craft the weapons that you will carry into battle. Hone them. Make them part of yourself.
The world is burning. Let them fear you as you cast down their works.
Aries:
When the darkness comes, you will shed your human skin and reveal your bestial nature, rending flesh and devouring hearts. Bullets and blades will fail against the strength of your rage, and so very many of the unblessed will fall to your hunger.
Taurus:
When the darkness comes, you will show your true stature, massive and powerful, smashing all who oppose you. Stand tall, and let your strength see you through.
Gemini:
When the darkness comes, the corpses of the fallen will be your food, and they will sustain you. Your transformed flesh will be difficult to harm and quick to heal. Burrow into the earth, found a colony, and you will thrive.
Cancer:
When the darkness comes, you will hear the voices of the Great Ones and call others to Their worship. Hold to Their rituals, and heed Their demands, and They will grant you the strength of loyal numbers. Do not fear to raise a temple to Them; Their time has come at last.
Leo:
When the darkness comes, you will transcend the flesh and observe all things. Take mortal bodies as you need them, and move as shadow and smoke when you do not. The ashes of the world will be your playground.
Virgo:
When the darkness comes, accept the blood and rise again. Feed upon the living, and gather them to you as herds of cattle. These pitiful survivors will sustain you until time is no more.
Libra:
When the darkness comes, let loose of your body. Soar into the air and let your entrails dangle as you hunt for children, born and unborn alike. Keep your body handy to reclaim as needed; soaking your organs in vinegar will shrink them for easy re-entry.
Scorpio:
When the darkness comes, take your place among the hunters. Accept the wings and the claws, the horns and the fangs and spiked tail. Exchange your feet for hooves or talons. Haunt the nighted skies, and drop on your victims from above.
Sagittarius:
When the darkness comes, you will re-learn what you have always known: you are beautiful. Mortals will offer themselves to you, sacrifice themselves for you, and you will feed on their desires. Choose carefully; only the best are worthy of your attentions.
Capricorn:
When the darkness comes, you will learn how much of human bloodlines came originally from the serpent instead of Adam. The scales will protect your once-soft skin, while fangs and venom will give you immediate advantage. Do not fear the transformation, though it is not yet complete.
Aquarius:
When the darkness comes, take to the waters. The things there will know you, even if you do not recognize them, and they will rise to your defense. You will be safe there, in the endless darkness of the nighted depths, while the surface suffers and dies; from the waters, you will be reborn.
It's not July yet, thank the gods.
Aries:
They look like people, don't they? Your neighbors, your friends, your family. Only they're a little too calm, a little too happy, a little too earnest. Check the basement for seed pods, and whatever you do, don't fall asleep.
Taurus:
I know it looks like an ordinary cabin, but that book in the basement will release an ancient evil and before you know it all your friends will be dead and you'll have a chainsaw in place of your hand. Maybe just don't go there in the first place.
Gemini:
Yes, the killer has been caught. Yes, the derelict summer camp is just an old property by the lake now. No, the killer definitely won't escape and murder you if you decide to go camping there... WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? Of course he will.
Cancer:
Look, there's nothing inherently suspicious about a nobleman who wants to engage your services as a solicitor to buy some properties in London for him. Happens all the time. Still, take some basic precautions: let people know where you'll going and when you expect to be back. Eat a lot of garlic. Wear a silver cross.
Leo:
You may notice your reflection looking at you even when you aren't looking in the mirror; it might even talk to you. Ignore it. It just wants to trade places with you, take over your body, and leave you trapped in the mirror.
Virgo:
Put any plans to hijack a luxury ocean liner on hold for this week. Something's already come up under the boat, and you're just going to find yourself fighting for your life against a hungry undersea monstrosity. Better to wait, really.
Libra:
Do not attempt to help any beautiful young women who seem to be trapped in ancient manors, no matter how deranged their fathers seem to be. The local witch wants revenge, the father *is* crazy, and the girl has been dead for thirty years. It will end badly.
Scorpio:
Before you stop in any rural towns, check carefully to be sure that there actually are some adults around. If you can't see any, say something nice about He Who Walks Behind The Rows and drive away quickly.
Sagittarius:
Carefully research any new homes or apartments before you consider moving. Nobody wants to get on the wrong side of a bunch of vengeful spirits, especially at this time of year. They get cranky when it's this hot.
Capricorn:
Look, I'm not saying you shouldn't mourn your losses. Grief takes time. I'm just saying that you shouldn't go up there and try to bring them back. There are Bad Places in the world, and that "sematary" is one of them.
Aquarius:
Yes, it's the murder capital of the world. Yes, there are vampires. Yes, your would-be girlfriend is one of them. Yes, ghouls and werewolves may occupy high positions at city hall. But no, those aren't worms. They're just noodles. Take the win.
So Thursday would normally be horoscope day, but forging a proper connection to the stars to glean their wisdom requires energy, and I am very tired. So instead, we're just going to do our best.
For the next week, I want you, my dear readers, to take extra time to cultivate your human disguises. Make sure that skin is really in place. Double-check the current fashion. Don't let anyone look too deeply into your eyes, or see how they sparkle or glow. Place a phone call. Attend a meeting. Order school supplies. Be scornfully jealous of your neighbor's new car, job, or spouse. Humans do that.
But at the same time, remind yourself of who you really are. Unfurl your wings when no one is watching. Ride the night winds. Flex your claws, or extend your spines. Show your fangs, or unfold your hunting mandibles. Bewitch someone. Steal their soul. Drink their blood, or eat their heart. Send their life-essence to your enormous alien spaceship to renew your species, if that's your thing. Drag them through the doors that only open at night into the dark places of the world; get a good price for them (or even just their teeth) at the goblin market. Live a little!
Life's too short not to devour that annoying co-worker.
Aries:
Everybody know the dice are loaded; everybody rolls with their fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over, and everybody knows the good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed; the poor stay poor, the rich get rich.
Taurus:
It ain't that in their hearts they're bad. They can comfort you; some even try. They nurse you when you're ill of health. They bury you when you go and die. They'll stick by you if they could. Ah, but that's just bullshit, baby: people just ain't no good.
Gemini:
A rat always knows when he's in with weasels. Here, you lose a little every day. Well, I remember when a million was a million... They all have ways to make you pay.
Cancer:
There's a shark in the pool and a witch in the tree, a crazy old neighbour and he's been watching me. And there's footsteps loud and strong coming down the hall. Something's under the bed -- now it's out in the hedge... There's a big black crow sitting on my window ledge. And I hear something scratching through the wall...
Leo:
Make it seven o nine California time... Whoever said it was a small world was either a liar or a fool, 'cause it's not true. And any promise we make is as easy to break as the plastic people on a wedding cake -- so says you, but you know, I do.
Virgo:
People 'round here say you're a witch; they're intrigued in seeing you roast. They really intend to burn you my friend -- I think that's the bit they like most. Wake up baby, the mob are on their way -- howling, growling, they want your blood and they're out to get it today.
Libra:
The clock strikes twelve and moondrops burst out at you from their hiding place, like acid and oil on a madman's face. His reason tends to fly away, like lesser birds on the four winds, like silver scrapes in May... And now the sand's become a crust and most of you have gone away.
Scorpio:
I come, old friend, from hell tonight, across the rotting sea. Nor the nails of the cross, nor the blood of Christ can bring you help this eve. The dead have come to claim a debt from thee. They stand outside your door, four score and three...
Sagittarius:
I dreamt I saw you walking up a hillside in the snow, casting shadows on the winter sky as you stood there counting crows: one for sorrow, two for joy; three for girls and four for boys; five for silver, six for gold; seven for a secret never to be told.
Capricorn:
"Oh, don't talk of love," the shadows purr, murmuring me away from you. "Don't talk of worlds that never were -- the end is all that's ever true. There's nothing you can ever say, nothing you can ever do." Still, every night I burn...
Aquarius:
Zeno's arrow never hits the mark. It's always hanging there over its shadow: safe from battle, waste of archer's time and trouble. Waste of effort, waste of parts... If you don't aim for the center it's a waste of the art.
Pisces:
Pour your misery down. You can keep me company as long as you don't care.
I really try to make these a weekly thing but what with one thing and another I have no brain right now. So...
Aries:
Get a smallpox vaccination if you can.
Taurus:
Mask up. Stay masked. Wash your hands.
Gemini:
Maybe just don't breathe when anybody else is anywhere nearby.
Cancer:
Isolate as much as you can.
Leo:
Today would be an excellent day to let Governor Abbott know that he's a homicidal asshole and we all know it. Honestly, it's amazing that God would waste skin on somebody like that.
Virgo:
Definitely get tested.
Libra:
Sleep. You probably need it.
Scorpio:
This has to end sometime, doesn't it?
Sagittarius:
Doom. Doooooooooom...
Capricorn:
All things in moderation, especially fevers.
Aquarius:
There is no ethical medical system under Capitalism.
Pisces:
A milkshake would probably soothe your throat.
Check back next week for more delightful and uplifting glimpses into what the stars have in store for us.
Aries:
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune will include actual slings and arrows this week, along with a couple of golf balls; body armor, a shield, and an armored umbrella are advisable. Otherwise, best to stay indoors.
Taurus:
They know you. They're looking for you. You do not want them to find you. Stick to crowded places as much as possible to confuse them, and eat a lot of garlic to change your scent. The ritual is on Friday, so they'll give up if they don't find you by then.
Gemini:
Tell your friends your secrets, but do not ask for theirs. A full moon would lend strength, but that isn't until the 14th. Eat a lot of protein and fresh fruits, and get exercise when you can. It makes you far less appetizing to certain sorts of hungers.
Cancer:
Financial news will arrive this week; unfortunately, financial institutions specialize in making their announcements as opaque as possible, so you won't know whether the news is good or bad. Eating out offers an opportunity to connect with co-workers.
Leo:
The watchful sky remembers all, and will call you to account this week. Wear blue to appease it, and avoid walking under anything that isn't firmly attached. A friend's intervention could save your sanity.
Virgo:
Burn it all down! Wait, no, not that. Not that either. Okay, maybe just burn some of it down. Just... not that bit. Hang on. Okay, new plan: make a campfire and cook some s'mores. That'll do fine.
Libra:
The Earth hold secrets long forgotten, and it wants to share them with you. Unfortunately, they sound entirely too much like an episode of Ancient Aliens, and you won't be able to take them seriously. This is probably for the better.
Scorpio:
The moon aligns with Venus, making this a great week to speak your truth and stick to your guns, and also to sound your barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world -- especially at sporting events. Treat yourself early in the week to set the proper mood.
Sagittarius:
Electronic devices will prove extremely unreliable this week, as Mars and Jupiter conflict over Saturn. Frustration is understandable, but don't let it overwhelm you. A properly jaunty hat is the key to everything.
Capricorn:
Music will help you get through the week, but beware of dubstep; the wub-wub-wub will be nothing but a hindrance. Allergies will bring both negativity and snot. Pay close attention to animals, especially pets, and follow their cues as best you can.
Aquarius:
A positive outlook is important this week, which is kind of a problem since the world is objectively a massive trash fire and the super-rich and well-connected are gleefully steering us towards the next Permian Extinction. Smile!
Aries:
This is a great week to spread some joy around -- and by "joy" I mean "breakfast tacos". Please, I'm so, so hungry. Keep a close eye on your transactions this week, and make sure you keep your receipts. You will meet a stranger with a terrible secret; it'll be better if you don't learn what it is.
Taurus:
Stay away from crowds this week, and watch your back. Not everybody is who they say they are, and some have sharp teeth and long, bony blades where their fingers should be. Make sure you're getting enough food to keep you going.
Gemini:
Timing will be very important this week, so set reminders in your calendar. Do not look up when you're outdoors; you might fall into the sky. Keep a pack of gum handy in case you need to distract a bunch of feral schoolchildren.
Cancer:
Water is important this week; stay hydrated and bathe frequently. An unexpected knock at the door brings danger; that door does not lead where you think it does right now, and you do not want to know what things dwell on the other side of it. Answering the doorbell is safe, though.
Leo:
All your packages will get delivered to incorrect addresses this week, so check with the neighbors before you panic. A bit of sun will do you good, but don't overdo it; you don't want to burst into flames. Look for opportunities to show off your knowledge and skills.
Virgo:
This week is going to be hectic, so set aside some time to renew yourself, physically and spiritually. Take a hot bath. Drink some tea. Do some stretching. Offer sacrifice to the dark and forgotten gods. Laugh.
Libra:
Beware of... well, just beware. They're all around you, and they can look like anyone... or anything. If you encounter one, just pretend you didn't see it. Otherwise, well... you don't want to know what happens otherwise.
Scorpio:
Darkness offers opportunities for contemplation and reflection in the coming week, but also the possibility of being ambushed and messily devoured by the shadowy beast that waits outside your door. Make time for friends, and be ready to listen to someone who needs it.
Sagittarius:
Focus on your skills this week. Everywhere you go, you will be wearing a young orb weaver. Try to find some sort of matching hat; if you're going to have a spider on you, at least coordinate your look. Get exercise, but don't overdo it.
Capricorn:
They say the walls have ears, but actually they have eyes. Millions of eyes. You can't see them, but they can see you. They're watching you, always watching you. Fortunately, they're only eyes. The walls don't have hands. Not yet.
Aquarius:
Scheduling is vital this week, so make sure to include enough downtime. Beware of homicidal and/or carnivorous plant life. Music fans are a mixed blessing. A small dog may come to your rescue late in the week.
Aries:
It's not tinnitus, actually. The civilization of microscopic aliens who have colonized your body rigged up an emergency siren to warn them when you move around. That's what you keep hearing. The scintillating scotoma is what you see when they have a festival.
Taurus:
Mercury is aligning with Saturn, and your CFO is actually a horrifying extra-dimensional wasp-monster whose larvae are infecting your co-workers. The larvae are basically harmless, at least until they hatch. Keep a few praying mantises around and you'll be fine.
Gemini:
The lunar eclipse will bring new opportunities but also widespread vampirism, so consider staking that one co-worker who sucks all the life out of the room. Garlic doesn't work; silver does. You can also distract them by scattering sand on a countertop or tile floor.
Cancer:
Expect frustrations throughout the coming week, but look for silver linings. Things will ease up towards the end of the week, especially if you make a burnt offering of a fatted calf during the dark of the moon. Focus on essentials at work and home.
Leo:
Let an important project wait; it may not seem like it, but you'll be in a better place to finish it later. Connections with friends and family are vital. Renew your connections with the dark things that dwell beneath the earth to ensure a bountiful harvest.
Virgo:
Everybody complains about Mercury, but this week it's actually Mars that's positioned to send negative influences into your life. Don't sleep anywhere that isn't your own bed, keep a needle and a bit of thread with you, and do not set foot in a Walmart. Open flames work to your benefit.
Libra:
This will be a great week for new beginnings. Whimsical purchases will turn out even better than expected, and relationships and projects begun now will be especially auspicious. Look out for attempts at bribery, extortion, and/or assassination late in the week.
Scorpio:
Make ready, this one's going to be rough. Stock up on fresh water, batteries, and non-perishable foods. Having a toolkit handy may help. The whispers from behind the walls will be helpful; listen to them and let them guide you. Make sure you're wearing something white at all times.
Sagittarius:
Learning new skills will go well this week, and benefit you in the coming year. Cleanliness and comportment will also be important. The dark arts are not easy to master, but summoned demons are suckers for clean, well-dressed conjurors.
Capricorn:
Avoid talking to strangers this week, and stay away from new places as well. The Kindly Ones are abroad, and they're looking for someone. Don't let it be you. A social event holds opportunities if you think them through in advance, but keep some mace in your pocket just in case.
Aquarius:
Jupiter and Mars are slowly moving closer, so expect personal transformations as the week progresses: renewing roles and relationships, gaining new insights, waking up in the body of a duck, mongoose, or wombat... All of these are possible.
Aries:
Things that happen in threes will be especially significant in the coming week. Watch the patterns of flying birds, too. Sleep and diet are paramount; if you're home, you won't be where the tragedy happens.
Taurus:
The moon is entering the Houses of Lust and Pain, so this is a bad week to start any new relationships, romantic or otherwise. Consider growing your hair out and howling into the darkness; it's therapeutic. Go easy on colognes and perfumes.
Gemini:
The bells of Time toll for the fall of humanity. Now is the time to shed your false skin, rise up, and feast. Avoid dairy products, and don't worry too much if things don't go according to schedule.
Cancer:
Making time for physical activities will benefit you in unexpected ways.New developments at work may leave you frustrated, but keep your calm and stay the course and things will eventually get better. If not, it's still surprisingly easy to order arsenic over the internet.
Leo:
Jupiter will be aligning with Uranus this week, so watch out for stomach and intestinal issues. You may experience itchiness, blackouts, or disassociations, but don't worry; the change hasn't taken you (yet). Look for gratitude from unexpected sources.
Virgo:
Focus on Earth-related things this week: gardening, camping, hiking, playing outdoors, pouring libations. Get as much sun as you can. You'll want to brush up on both first aid and trepanning before mid-week.
Libra:
Pay close attention to the things that give your life meaning. Matter isn't solid; we're just a sort of loose electro-magnetic surface over a few stray particles and a lot of empty space. Life itself is just a self-perpetuating pattern of chemical interactions, so why worry?
Scorpio: You're in for a great week! Look for lucky breaks in unexpected places, and enjoy having things go your way for a change. Don't worry about next week; there's nothing you can do about that anyway.
Sagittarius:
Stay focused on who you are in the coming week. Don't let them steal your dreams. Resist their efforts to reshape your thoughts. Above all, don't let them feed on your memories; they'll grow stronger if they do. Also, consider getting a haircut.
Capricorn:
There's no time like the present to realize that the world isn't what you think it is. Your friends aren't your friends; they aren't even human. They're just pretending. You aren't even you, and you never were. The moment you stop believing in it, it will all go away.
Aquarius:
News from your real family will send you on an unexpected quest to retrieve your mother's sacred weapons and armor and recover a long-lost crown. Or a ring. Something round, anyway. Possibly a soccer ball.
Pisces:
Do your best to keep busy all week; every time you try to slow down or rest, some crisis is going to require your attention. Steady, unbroken work will hold the crises at bay, in much the same way that carrying an umbrella keeps it from raining. Keep a cigarette lighter on your person.
Aries:
Make time for self-care this week, and be sure to drink just a little more water than you think you need. An unexpected surprise will benefit you. If you hear the sound of unseen wings in the darkness, run.
Taurus:
Spelling and grammar in emails this week is super-important. Take time to proofread so you don't embarrass yourself. Make sure you're only eating fresh food, and if you find something interesting buried in the dirt, leave it there.
Gemini:
Expect new opportunities this week and keep an open mind... unless they involve skydiving, animal sacrifice, or exploring abandoned prisons and/or asylums. Get some extra rest early next week, and avoid sharp objects on Wednesday.
Cancer:
Focus on setting personal boundaries this week: set a bowl of milk outside your door, but do not invite gray folk inside. Be firm and clear, but keep your voice kind.
Leo:
This will be a great week to do something about that critter that keeps getting into your plants. No, it's not a squirrel or a bunny. You're going to need rock salt, preferably loaded into a shotgun shell. Nothing else will break its concealments.
Virgo:
Work is likely to be easy this week, so take the opportunity to mend fences and establish good relationships with your co-workers. You may be offered a quest to locate a mythical artifact; if so, take it. It'll do you good to get out of town for a bit.
Libra:
Vehicles are nothing but bad news right now, so take extra precautions. You're likely to hear from an old friend; if you don't, pick one and get back in touch. The great beast calls to you from beyond the hungry stars, but if you ignore him he'll go away.
Scorpio:
Learning new skills will be extra helpful right now. Also, you'll see lizards everywhere: on the floor, under your desk, skittering across the ceiling, hanging on the windows, staring back at you when you look into the mirror. Lizards.
Sagittarius:
The less you say this week, the better. Listen to what's going on around you, and pay careful attention to things you didn't know. There's something under the bed, but it only wants to talk to you.
Capricorn:
Things are looking up this week, but be wary of frogs and unexpected golf balls. If you see a frog with a golf club, just apologize and back away slowly. Make friends with someone who values a good-quality port.
Aquarius:
You're not imagining things. There really is something in the water, but stay out of reach and you should be fine. Shower; don't bathe. Eat extra helpings of vegetables; they're good for you.
Pisces:
A workable design for a cold-fusion reactor will come to you in a dream this week, but unfortunately for all of us you won't remember any of the critical details when you wake up. Avoid any sort of pizza, and don't get into any arguments about what qualifies as "pizza".
Aries:
Credit card terminals are likely to be down, so keep some cash on you. Focus on personal growth; you will get taller if you want it badly enough. Beware of pigeons.
Taurus:
Today will be characterized by unexpected weirdness, so be ready to roll with it. Your car is not an alien robot, no matter what it tries to tell you. Do not look into the air vents; you don't want to know what's been staring at you from in there.
Gemini:
It's going to be one of those days where everybody you meet knows you from somewhere, and you don't remember any of them. A silver crucifix will come in handy. Do not sign any contracts.
Cancer:
The furniture is out to get you today, so watch your footing and always look before you start to sit down. Ducks are your friends; geese are not. Wear red.
Leo:
Mercury is entering the influence of the moon, so you're probably going to receive some very weird horoscopes this week. Avoid neckties, dollar coins, and split pea soup. Carry a lizard in your pocket for luck.
Virgo:
Keep an umbrella with you to ward off bad weather. Animals may try to talk to you, but you shouldn't listen. The stock market is basically a giant scam. So is Capitalism.
Libra:
Political disappointments abound, and your co-workers will keep giving you funny looks but none of them will say why. It's okay to feel anxious about this. Keep your paperclips to yourself, and don't let anyone steal your stapler.
Scorpio:
Let go of your assumptions, and new understandings will carry you forward. Your boss is every bit as much of an ass as you think he is. Watch for spiders in unexpected places. Yes, I'm talking about your coffee cup.
Sagittarius:
Little things can make big differences in the coming week, so pay attention to details and keep some cold iron handy. Learning to use pivot tables could save your life.
Capricorn:
There's really no escape, so don't even try. The squirrels are smarter than you, more determined, and far more numerous. Plus, they know everything about you. They even know what happened on that field trip in sixth grade.
Aquarius:
You'll hear the voices in the flames today. You're not imagining them; they're really there. Do not, under any circumstances, agree to do as they ask. You were never meant to hold such absolute power.
Pisces:
Going to be a great day, really. Trust me on this. Everything will be just fine. Just keep your eyes on me and walk forward slowly. No, don't look behind you. There's nothing there. No need to hurry, just walk calmly this way. Good. Whatever you do, don't run.
