Late June Horoscopes

It's not July yet, thank the gods. 

Aries:
They look like people, don't they? Your neighbors, your friends, your family. Only they're a little too calm, a little too happy, a little too earnest. Check the basement for seed pods, and whatever you do, don't fall asleep.

Taurus:
I know it looks like an ordinary cabin, but that book in the basement will release an ancient evil and before you know it all your friends will be dead and you'll have a chainsaw in place of your hand. Maybe just don't go there in the first place.

Gemini:
Yes, the killer has been caught. Yes, the derelict summer camp is just an old property by the lake now. No, the killer definitely won't escape and murder you if you decide to go camping there... WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? Of course he will.

Cancer:
Look, there's nothing inherently suspicious about a nobleman who wants to engage your services as a solicitor to buy some properties in London for him. Happens all the time. Still, take some basic precautions: let people know where you'll going and when you expect to be back. Eat a lot of garlic. Wear a silver cross.

Leo:
You may notice your reflection looking at you even when you aren't looking in the mirror; it might even talk to you. Ignore it. It just wants to trade places with you, take over your body, and leave you trapped in the mirror.

Virgo:
Put any plans to hijack a luxury ocean liner on hold for this week. Something's already come up under the boat, and you're just going to find yourself fighting for your life against a hungry undersea monstrosity. Better to wait, really.

Libra:
Do not attempt to help any beautiful young women who seem to be trapped in ancient manors, no matter how deranged their fathers seem to be. The local witch wants revenge, the father *is* crazy, and the girl has been dead for thirty years. It will end badly.

Scorpio:
Before you stop in any rural towns, check carefully to be sure that there actually are some adults around. If you can't see any, say something nice about He Who Walks Behind The Rows and drive away quickly.

Sagittarius:
Carefully research any new homes or apartments before you consider moving. Nobody wants to get on the wrong side of a bunch of vengeful spirits, especially at this time of year. They get cranky when it's this hot.

Capricorn:
Look, I'm not saying you shouldn't mourn your losses. Grief takes time. I'm just saying that you shouldn't go up there and try to bring them back. There are Bad Places in the world, and that "sematary" is one of them.

Aquarius:
Yes, it's the murder capital of the world. Yes, there are vampires. Yes, your would-be girlfriend is one of them. Yes, ghouls and werewolves may occupy high positions at city hall. But no, those aren't worms. They're just noodles. Take the win.

Pisces:
Just remember: if someone asks you if you're a god, you say Yes.