Aries:
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune will include actual slings and arrows this week, along with a couple of golf balls; body armor, a shield, and an armored umbrella are advisable. Otherwise, best to stay indoors.
Taurus:
They know you. They're looking for you. You do not want them to find you. Stick to crowded places as much as possible to confuse them, and eat a lot of garlic to change your scent. The ritual is on Friday, so they'll give up if they don't find you by then.
Gemini:
Tell your friends your secrets, but do not ask for theirs. A full moon would lend strength, but that isn't until the 14th. Eat a lot of protein and fresh fruits, and get exercise when you can. It makes you far less appetizing to certain sorts of hungers.
Cancer:
Financial news will arrive this week; unfortunately, financial institutions specialize in making their announcements as opaque as possible, so you won't know whether the news is good or bad. Eating out offers an opportunity to connect with co-workers.
Leo:
The watchful sky remembers all, and will call you to account this week. Wear blue to appease it, and avoid walking under anything that isn't firmly attached. A friend's intervention could save your sanity.
Virgo:
Burn it all down! Wait, no, not that. Not that either. Okay, maybe just burn some of it down. Just... not that bit. Hang on. Okay, new plan: make a campfire and cook some s'mores. That'll do fine.
Libra:
The Earth hold secrets long forgotten, and it wants to share them with you. Unfortunately, they sound entirely too much like an episode of Ancient Aliens, and you won't be able to take them seriously. This is probably for the better.
Scorpio:
The moon aligns with Venus, making this a great week to speak your truth and stick to your guns, and also to sound your barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world -- especially at sporting events. Treat yourself early in the week to set the proper mood.
Sagittarius:
Electronic devices will prove extremely unreliable this week, as Mars and Jupiter conflict over Saturn. Frustration is understandable, but don't let it overwhelm you. A properly jaunty hat is the key to everything.
Capricorn:
Music will help you get through the week, but beware of dubstep; the wub-wub-wub will be nothing but a hindrance. Allergies will bring both negativity and snot. Pay close attention to animals, especially pets, and follow their cues as best you can.
Aquarius:
A positive outlook is important this week, which is kind of a problem since the world is objectively a massive trash fire and the super-rich and well-connected are gleefully steering us towards the next Permian Extinction. Smile!
Mercury appears to be doing a little jig as it enters Scorpio, so be carefully with your spending and guard your savings. Help a stranger if you see the chance. Stick to parks and trails you know, and don't go wandering into the Tulgey woods unprepared.
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