Bingo Memes

I've been sucked into doing the United Way at work again this year, and one of our fundraisers is Virtual Bingo. Virtual Bingo is just like regular Bingo, except that A) it's done entirely over email, B) the Bingo cards have names & pictures of our department heads instead of numbers.

Naturally, I've gotten a lot of people complaining about receiving the Bingo emails when they aren't even playing. I've explained that they're supposed to see the emails and become so excited that they rush out and buy Bingo cards so that they can play, too; but for the most part they remain unconvinced (and whiny). In response, I've become even more relentlessly cheerful about our Bingo fundraiser, because I'm helpful like that.

I even made little pictures, because by God if I have to do this then everyone else has to enjoy it with me.

So... Bingo memes:

And if, by some horrid chance, you should find yourself in a situation similar to my own someday... well, feel free to use any or all of these yourself, whoever you are. And remember to smile while you're doing it. Smile big. Smile all the time.

It's the only sensible response, really.

Penny War

We're having a Penny War at work (to raise money for the United Way). The way this works is that each department gets a jar, and people put pennies ("or bills", but I can barely type that with a straight face) in the jar, and the department whose jar has the most pennies wins. Easy, right? The catch is that any "silver coins" - nickels, dimes, quarters - count against your total... so you can go sabotage other departments' jars by dropping coins in them.

This led to yesterday's spectacle, wherein one of my co-workers emerged from her cubicle with a plastic cup full of change, sorted all the pennies into our jar, and dolefully announced: "There goes my retirement..."

Auction Basket: Teddy's Night Off

That's right: the children are staying over at their grandparents' house, and Theodore A. Bear has a night off! What's a stuffed animal to do with such a rare opportunity? Well... now we know:

...Actually, it's a basket for a silent auction for our United Way fundraiser. Total cost was about $16, and I have no idea what it'll bring in. On the other hand, it has alcohol, so it's a sure bet that someone will bid on it.

Real Work Conversations: United Way Auction Baskets

Accountant: "I have no idea what we're doing for our basket this year."

Me: "Eh, neither do we. It's IT, so we'll probably have some kind of technology, but..."

Accountant: "Yeah, but I'm supposed to be putting it together."

Me: "Oh. Okay, I can see where that'd be a problem."

Later...

Me: "Okay, so picture this: big basket, bottle of Jameson on one side, Bushmills on the other, six-pack of Killian's in the middle. And there, in the back center, a copy of How The Irish Saved Civilization. There's your basket idea."

Accountant: "You had me at 'Jameson'."

United Way Fundraiser: Zombie Survival Basket

So, as part of our fundraiser for the United Way, we're having an auction. Naturally, they've hit us all up to submit baskets for the auction. So... I've submitted a basket. It is - and I say this without pride or exaggeration - easily the most important and useful basket in the auction. Behold! The zombie survival basket:

You are bidding on a unique and vital survival kit. When the dead rise up to feast upon the living, will you be ready? With this kit, you can be! (Survival kit may also prove useful in the event of a resonance cascade.)

The winning bidder (or, as we prefer to call them, “the survivor”) will receive:

• An Outdoor Products hydration waist-pack. It comes with two .5 liter sports bottles, and can be used to carry most of the equipment included in this kit.
• A copy of The Zombie Survival Guide. It’s your guide to complete protection from the living dead. Remember: Organize Before They Rise!
• A 24” Crowbar. Use this for prying open crates of supplies, or for fending off zombies who get too close. Also useful in cases of headhopper infestation.
• A 10” Coghlan’s Pack Axe. Intended primarily as a backup to your crowbar, this can also double as a hammer if needed.
• A pair of Coleman’s Lumistick chemical lights. These provide hours of light with no heat or risk of fire. They can also be used to distract the living dead.
• Stormproof Matches. Each pack includes 25 waterproof, windproof matches. The possibilities are endless!
• Lifeline Waterproof First Aid Kit. While the bite of the zombie is always fatal, you still need something to help you deal with the cuts and scrapes you collect while running away.
• Ozark Trail Hobo Tool kit. Don’t live like a barbarian just because you have to scavenge your food from the ruins of civilization! This 7-in-1 tool includes knife, fork, spoon, bottle opener, can opener, corkscrew, and awl.
• A 1.75 Liter bottle of Bacardi Zombie drink. Included to help you mourn (or celebrate!) the fall of civilization, this ferocious blue liquid is guaranteed not to turn you into a zombie.
• Pocket Knife / Multitool Kit. Everything you could possibly need for scavenging, repairs, and building shelter.
• Flashlight. Don’t get caught in the dark when the hungry dead seek your flesh! This compact, light-weight flashlight will help you see your escape route.
• ...And finally: your very own Dismember-Me Plush Zombie Doll. Don’t leave your kids ignorant and unprepared! Use this fun, cuddly toy to teach them about the danger of impending zombie outbreaks and the inevitable end of the world which will follow.

The total value of these items is $105, but your survival amidst the walking dead is priceless. Don’t be caught unprepared. Bid today!

United Way Chili Cookoff II: Salvation

The time has come again. The invitations have been issued, and the challengers have gathered. Each will have a unique opportunity to demonstrate courage, skill, and endurance in the most grueling type of competition ever devised by man: the Chili Cookoff.

Where I work, this happens once a year. It's part of our annual fundraising for the United Way. For the past couple of years, I've been recruited to be one of the Chili Cooks.

You'd think they'd have learned their lesson by now, but apparently not. My wife, however, has. So, this year, in the interest of saving lives and preserving sanity, she offered (in that particular use of the word "offer" that you most often see in the context of, say, Mob enforcers or tax collectors) to cook the chili for me.

I did not refuse. Mainly because, well, it wasn't that sort of offer.

So this year I will bring a crock pot full of safe, filling, wholesome - but still very garlicky - chili to the cookoff. The victims participants may consider this my wife's apology for the nightmarish catastrophes that I have inflicted on them in previous years.

I still don't hold with using these newfangled "recipes" when you're cooking, though.

United Way Chili Cookoff of DOOM!

I made chili yesterday.

Now, I understand that for most people, making chili is not an especially momentous event. And it really shouldn't be, even for me. I mean, I know how to cook - and not just bachelor food, either. Chili, however, intimidates me.

Partly that's because I don't really like chili. I'll eat it, but it's not something I ever find myself in the mood for. So I don't have any idea what people want or expect when they decide to eat chili.

As corollary of that, I don't cook chili. Yesterday marks the second time in my entire life that I have made the attempt. The first time was almost exactly a year ago, and for the same occasion: we're having a fundraiser at work for the United Way. One of the events is the chili cookoff. You'd think it would be easy to find people who actually know how to cook chili, but apparently not.

I just hope that nobody comes to harm. I mean, the ingredients are all edible... individually. It's the cumulative effect that worries me. For one thing, the recipe* includes a lot of garlic; anybody eating this chili is guaranteed to be proof against vampires for at least four hours. Possibly proof against their co-workers, as well. For another thing, there's a little bit... okay, a lot... of tabasco in the mix. The tabasco bottle was labelled "Instant Death", but that did not deter me. I may not know much about chili, but my food will not be bland!

Chili, for me, doesn't really count as cooking. It's more of an adventure - the sort of experiment that would make even Dr. Frankenstein pull back and say, "You know, maybe we should reconsider this." Pity the poor souls who must sample my work.

* Not really a recipe. It's more a conceptual recipe than an actual, reproducible formula.