Friday, April 22, 2011

United Way Fundraiser: Zombie Survival Basket

So, as part of our fundraiser for the United Way, we're having an auction. Naturally, they've hit us all up to submit baskets for the auction. So... I've submitted a basket. It is - and I say this without pride or exaggeration - easily the most important and useful basket in the auction. Behold! The zombie survival basket:

You are bidding on a unique and vital survival kit. When the dead rise up to feast upon the living, will you be ready? With this kit, you can be! (Survival kit may also prove useful in the event of a resonance cascade.)

The winning bidder (or, as we prefer to call them, “the survivor”) will receive:
  • An Outdoor Products hydration waist-pack. It comes with two .5 liter sports bottles, and can be used to carry most of the equipment included in this kit.
  • A copy of The Zombie Survival Guide. It’s your guide to complete protection from the living dead. Remember: Organize Before They Rise!
  • A 24” Crowbar. Use this for prying open crates of supplies, or for fending off zombies who get too close. Also useful in cases of headhopper infestation.
  • A 10” Coghlan’s Pack Axe. Intended primarily as a backup to your crowbar, this can also double as a hammer if needed.
  • A pair of Coleman’s Lumistick chemical lights. These provide hours of light with no heat or risk of fire. They can also be used to distract the living dead.
  • Stormproof Matches. Each pack includes 25 waterproof, windproof matches. The possibilities are endless!
  • Lifeline Waterproof First Aid Kit. While the bite of the zombie is always fatal, you still need something to help you deal with the cuts and scrapes you collect while running away.
  • Ozark Trail Hobo Tool kit. Don’t live like a barbarian just because you have to scavenge your food from the ruins of civilization! This 7-in-1 tool includes knife, fork, spoon, bottle opener, can opener, corkscrew, and awl.
  • A 1.75 Liter bottle of Bacardi Zombie drink. Included to help you mourn (or celebrate!) the fall of civilization, this ferocious blue liquid is guaranteed not to turn you into a zombie.
  • Pocket Knife / Multitool Kit. Everything you could possibly need for scavenging, repairs, and building shelter.
  • Flashlight. Don’t get caught in the dark when the hungry dead seek your flesh! This compact, light-weight flashlight will help you see your escape route.
  • ...And finally: your very own Dismember-Me Plush Zombie Doll. Don’t leave your kids ignorant and unprepared! Use this fun, cuddly toy to teach them about the danger of impending zombie outbreaks and the inevitable end of the world which will follow.
The total value of these items is $105, but your survival amidst the walking dead is priceless. Don’t be caught unprepared. Bid today!


  1. I went with the crowbar instead. The cheap machetes are pretty worthless, and getting a good one would have pushed the price of the basket too high.


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