The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Hi there.

I am a man. As a man, I have opinions. If you're lucky, I will share them with you.

You see, my opinions are not just a random assortment of views and positions that I've accumulated over the years. Not at all. Each one is logically derived after careful consideration of irrefutable First Principles, arranged by the guiding light of pure rationality. They are glorious in their elegance, boundless in their complexity, and unrivaled in the field of pure philosophical truth. They are... perfect.

And I have opinions on everything. I have opinions on Abortion. Not just "an opinion"; oh, no. Opinions. I have opinions on parenting, driving, the nature of art, the economy, fashion, gay marriage, children who won't stay quiet in restaurants, the role of government in society, abstinence-only education, gun rights, free speech, artichoke hearts, and taking the Christ out of Christmas. And those are just the areas in which I've enlightened my fellow human beings in the last three days.

So the next time you start to talk about your views on anything, you should stop and ask me what I think, first. It'll save us all a lot of time.

Ah, the Holiday Season

I just love the holidays...

One of the few advantages of living in Texas is that I can largely ignore the weather. It rarely gets cold enough that I'd actually need to know about it in advance. So we really don't need weather reports. What we need - especially right now, with the holidays fast upon us - is an idiot report.

"As you can see, today's forecast calls for increasing levels of idiocy through the end of the week. We're expecting scattered traffic accidents as the Stupid Front moves through, so drive carefully and use your headlights. You might want to consider using your turn signals, too. On Friday, there will be an eighty-two percent chance of people forgetting where they put things and rushing around the house in a panic. Look for a flood of rude customers in the stores, especially this weekend, and continuing into next week."

Seriously, it would be a lot more helpful.

Texas Drivers

Grrrrrrah! All right, you useless waste of neurons, look: if your driving is so freakin' sloppy that I can't tell whether you're actively changing lanes or just drifting randomly, maybe you should reconsider whether you ought to be driving at all.

Just sayin'.

A Message to D/FW Drivers

Hey, you! Yeah, you - the one in the driver's seat. That thing you're driving on? It's called a road. Got that? Good. You see those little stripes that run up and down the road? They divide the road into lanes.

Now, the reason we have lanes - stay with me, here - the reason we have lanes is so that cars can travel side by side without bumping into each other. That means that you don’t have to wait: you can get onto the road even though I’m already on the road. Or vice versa. We can drive along, side by side, and as long as we stay in our lanes, we won’t bump into each other. That’s right, even when we’re going around a curve, or over a bridge, or... well, just about anything.

Thing is, the system only works if you stay in your lane. You start drifting into my lane, and bad things happen. So whatever it is that you’re doing, there in the driver’s seat? Do less of that, and more driving. Okay? Thanks.