Weekly Horoscope

Aries:
It's not tinnitus, actually. The civilization of microscopic aliens who have colonized your body rigged up an emergency siren to warn them when you move around. That's what you keep hearing. The scintillating scotoma is what you see when they have a festival.

Taurus:
Mercury is aligning with Saturn, and your CFO is actually a horrifying extra-dimensional wasp-monster whose larvae are infecting your co-workers. The larvae are basically harmless, at least until they hatch. Keep a few praying mantises around and you'll be fine.

Gemini:
The lunar eclipse will bring new opportunities but also widespread vampirism, so consider staking that one co-worker who sucks all the life out of the room. Garlic doesn't work; silver does. You can also distract them by scattering sand on a countertop or tile floor.

Cancer:
Expect frustrations throughout the coming week, but look for silver linings. Things will ease up towards the end of the week, especially if you make a burnt offering of a fatted calf during the dark of the moon. Focus on essentials at work and home.

Leo:
Let an important project wait; it may not seem like it, but you'll be in a better place to finish it later. Connections with friends and family are vital. Renew your connections with the dark things that dwell beneath the earth to ensure a bountiful harvest.

Virgo:
Everybody complains about Mercury, but this week it's actually Mars that's positioned to send negative influences into your life. Don't sleep anywhere that isn't your own bed, keep a needle and a bit of thread with you, and do not set foot in a Walmart. Open flames work to your benefit.

Libra:
This will be a great week for new beginnings. Whimsical purchases will turn out even better than expected, and relationships and projects begun now will be especially auspicious. Look out for attempts at bribery, extortion, and/or assassination late in the week.

Scorpio:
Make ready, this one's going to be rough. Stock up on fresh water, batteries, and non-perishable foods. Having a toolkit handy may help. The whispers from behind the walls will be helpful; listen to them and let them guide you. Make sure you're wearing something white at all times.

Sagittarius:
Learning new skills will go well this week, and benefit you in the coming year. Cleanliness and comportment will also be important. The dark arts are not easy to master, but summoned demons are suckers for clean, well-dressed conjurors.

Capricorn:
Avoid talking to strangers this week, and stay away from new places as well. The Kindly Ones are abroad, and they're looking for someone. Don't let it be you. A social event holds opportunities if you think them through in advance, but keep some mace in your pocket just in case.

Aquarius:
Jupiter and Mars are slowly moving closer, so expect personal transformations as the week progresses: renewing roles and relationships, gaining new insights, waking up in the body of a duck, mongoose, or wombat... All of these are possible.

Pisces:
Wind and water will shape the course of the week for you. Apologize to anyone you mistreat, however accidental it was; you never know when the person you wronged might turn out to be vengeful witch or a god disguised as a mortal. Take your vitamins.