1st Week of May is Horoscope Time!

Aries:
Things that happen in threes will be especially significant in the coming week. Watch the patterns of flying birds, too. Sleep and diet are paramount; if you're home, you won't be where the tragedy happens.

Taurus:
The moon is entering the Houses of Lust and Pain, so this is a bad week to start any new relationships, romantic or otherwise. Consider growing your hair out and howling into the darkness; it's therapeutic. Go easy on colognes and perfumes.

Gemini:
The bells of Time toll for the fall of humanity. Now is the time to shed your false skin, rise up, and feast. Avoid dairy products, and don't worry too much if things don't go according to schedule.

Cancer:
Making time for physical activities will benefit you in unexpected ways.New developments at work may leave you frustrated, but keep your calm and stay the course and things will eventually get better. If not, it's still surprisingly easy to order arsenic over the internet.

Leo:
Jupiter will be aligning with Uranus this week, so watch out for stomach and intestinal issues. You may experience itchiness, blackouts, or disassociations, but don't worry; the change hasn't taken you (yet). Look for gratitude from unexpected sources.

Virgo:
Focus on Earth-related things this week: gardening, camping, hiking, playing outdoors, pouring libations. Get as much sun as you can. You'll want to brush up on both first aid and trepanning before mid-week.

Libra:
Pay close attention to the things that give your life meaning. Matter isn't solid; we're just a sort of loose electro-magnetic surface over a few stray particles and a lot of empty space. Life itself is just a self-perpetuating pattern of chemical interactions, so why worry?

Scorpio: You're in for a great week! Look for lucky breaks in unexpected places, and enjoy having things go your way for a change. Don't worry about next week; there's nothing you can do about that anyway.

Sagittarius:
Stay focused on who you are in the coming week. Don't let them steal your dreams. Resist their efforts to reshape your thoughts. Above all, don't let them feed on your memories; they'll grow stronger if they do. Also, consider getting a haircut.

Capricorn:
There's no time like the present to realize that the world isn't what you think it is. Your friends aren't your friends; they aren't even human. They're just pretending. You aren't even you, and you never were. The moment you stop believing in it, it will all go away.

Aquarius:
News from your real family will send you on an unexpected quest to retrieve your mother's sacred weapons and armor and recover a long-lost crown. Or a ring. Something round, anyway. Possibly a soccer ball.

Pisces:
Do your best to keep busy all week; every time you try to slow down or rest, some crisis is going to require your attention. Steady, unbroken work will hold the crises at bay, in much the same way that carrying an umbrella keeps it from raining. Keep a cigarette lighter on your person.