Aries:
This is a great week to spread some joy around -- and by "joy" I mean "breakfast tacos". Please, I'm so, so hungry. Keep a close eye on your transactions this week, and make sure you keep your receipts. You will meet a stranger with a terrible secret; it'll be better if you don't learn what it is.
Taurus:
Stay away from crowds this week, and watch your back. Not everybody is who they say they are, and some have sharp teeth and long, bony blades where their fingers should be. Make sure you're getting enough food to keep you going.
Gemini:
Timing will be very important this week, so set reminders in your calendar. Do not look up when you're outdoors; you might fall into the sky. Keep a pack of gum handy in case you need to distract a bunch of feral schoolchildren.
Cancer:
Water is important this week; stay hydrated and bathe frequently. An unexpected knock at the door brings danger; that door does not lead where you think it does right now, and you do not want to know what things dwell on the other side of it. Answering the doorbell is safe, though.
Leo:
All your packages will get delivered to incorrect addresses this week, so check with the neighbors before you panic. A bit of sun will do you good, but don't overdo it; you don't want to burst into flames. Look for opportunities to show off your knowledge and skills.
Virgo:
This week is going to be hectic, so set aside some time to renew yourself, physically and spiritually. Take a hot bath. Drink some tea. Do some stretching. Offer sacrifice to the dark and forgotten gods. Laugh.
Libra:
Beware of... well, just beware. They're all around you, and they can look like anyone... or anything. If you encounter one, just pretend you didn't see it. Otherwise, well... you don't want to know what happens otherwise.
Scorpio:
Darkness offers opportunities for contemplation and reflection in the coming week, but also the possibility of being ambushed and messily devoured by the shadowy beast that waits outside your door. Make time for friends, and be ready to listen to someone who needs it.
Sagittarius:
Focus on your skills this week. Everywhere you go, you will be wearing a young orb weaver. Try to find some sort of matching hat; if you're going to have a spider on you, at least coordinate your look. Get exercise, but don't overdo it.
Capricorn:
They say the walls have ears, but actually they have eyes. Millions of eyes. You can't see them, but they can see you. They're watching you, always watching you. Fortunately, they're only eyes. The walls don't have hands. Not yet.
Aquarius:
Scheduling is vital this week, so make sure to include enough downtime. Beware of homicidal and/or carnivorous plant life. Music fans are a mixed blessing. A small dog may come to your rescue late in the week.
Don't forget to wind your watch, or else-- no, wait, 2022, not 1922. Sorry, wrong century. You'll be fine. Keep a blade and a pack of matches handy, and watch out for wild coyotes. The birds are deliberately targeting your vehicle, so park under shelter whenever possible.
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