Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Superhero Bar Stories: Unluckiest Criminal

Unluckiest criminal? Okay, I've got one for you.

I'm down in the club district when I see them: It's two men and two women, dressed nice-but-casual, obviously not part of the neighborhood, probably on their way back from the clubs. They're cutting across this deserted parking lot at, I don't know, a little before three in the morning. Not the smartest idea in the world, but then they're pretty young - early twenties, I'd say.

There's another guy just a little bit behind them: older guy, maybe mid-forties, rough-looking, nondescript clothes. Sure enough, he starts moving up on them just as they're crossing the parking lot, and sure enough, he has a gun.

Now, if I'd been in costume, it would have played out very differently. I could have frozen the gun and restrained the perp from where I was. Unfortunately... for both of us... I wasn't, so all I had was a couple of short-range holdout weapons. So I start running towards the guy... Oh, right, you're new here, aren't you? I'm unnoticeable. That's my power. That's why I rely on all that equipment. If I was a flying tank like Captain Amazing, I'd be... well, I'd be Captain Amazing. Instead, I'm The Sniper.

Anyway, I start running towards the guy. None of them can see me, so I'm trying to get close enough to use one of the holdouts or just disarm the perp by hand.

At this point, the two couples and the perp are all out towards the middle of the parking lot. The perp gets close enough, and starts shouting instructions: "STOP THERE! TOSS YOUR WALLETS AND PURSES ON THE GROUND!" He's loud and aggressive, waving the gun around and trying to scare them into handing over their stuff before they have a chance to think.

He's also very, very unlucky. Because at that exact moment, a patrol officer - in uniform, yet - comes around the corner where he can see the whole thing. He's behind the perp and off to one side, so the guy hasn't seen him yet; he's still shouting at the couples.

I'm close enough now to see that they two guys are probably brothers. They're looking at each other, not at the guy with the gun; then one of them nods.

And that was when I found out just how unlucky the perp really was.

Not only did he have me running towards him and a cop staring at the back of his head, he... well...

Okay, one of the brothers lets out this roar and swells up into this massive, saber-toothed beast-man. Rips right out of his shirt in the process. I mean, this thing is the biggest, scariest monster I've ever seen. Scared the hell out of me, and I was still thirty feet away. The perp panics and fires off a couple of shots at him, which do exactly nothing. And then the other brother just vanishes.

I figured he was headed for the perp, but no: he's standing beside the officer and has one hand out to restrain the officer's gun arm.

Meanwhile, the monster steps in with this horizontal swipe. From where I'm standing, it looks like he's about to disembowel the perp. The perp thinks so too; he's screaming like a baby. Instead, the monster slaps the gun out of his hand, sets the guy on the ground, and sort of sits on him.

The officer steps back and turns, so his arm is free; he hasn't actually drawn his weapon. The teleporter, sensibly, takes a step back and holds his hands up; I can hear him apologizing to the officer.

So I figure at this point it's safe to let everybody see me, so I stop being unnoticeable and step forward as a witness.

The officer walks over with the teleporter. As he gets there, the other brother shrinks back down to human form, and holds out a handful of crumpled lead. It's the bullets, what's left of them. The perp's pretty much just lying there shivering, but the officer handcuffs him and reads him his rights. Then he takes everybody's information, bags the perp's pistol, and walks the perp back to his patrol car - wet pants and all.

And that's the story of the unluckiest criminal I ever saw.

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