Okay, so, I've done a completely new opening scene over at
The Shining Walls. This is, I think, a much stronger approach - but take a look, see what you think, and feel free to point out anything I've done wrong, including omitted words or basic errors in spelling and grammar. (I can't usually spot those until a good two weeks after initially composing something.)
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Feel free to leave comments; it lets me know that people are actually reading my blog. Interesting tangents and topic drift just add flavor. Linking to your own stuff is fine, as long as it's at least loosely relevant. Be civil, and have fun!