Friday, December 30, 2011

Curse you, Mowgli!

Some guys have all the luck.

Okay, maybe "luck" isn't the right word to apply to people like us, who lost their parents to animal attacks or fires (in my case, both). But still... Mowgli. Do you know what that guy earns in a year? His Learn To Hunt Like A Wolf seminars are enough to keep him comfortably well off all by themselves, but then he has the books, and those speaking engagements... It's maddening, I tell you. They treat him like he was the only orphan in the world to be raised by animals in the wilderness.

Let me tell you a little secret: he's not. Not even close.

Hi, my name is Diana, and I was raised by animals in the wilderness. There, I said it. And you know what? I'd be happy to share my secrets with you, for a tiny fraction of what Mowgli charges. I'd be thrilled if I could find a publisher for my autobiography. Speaking engagements? Ha! I'd settle for an interview in the local paper!

But, no. It's always Mowgli, Mowgli, Mowgli. Mowgli was raised by wolves. Mowgli was befriended by a panther, Mowgli was taught the Law of the Jungle by a bear, Mowgli killed a tiger and got the animals to trample an entire village in order to save his adopted parents. Well, good for him.

I can teach you how to survive in the wilderness. I can show you where to find food, and how to dig a nice burrow for the winter. I can help you get back to nature. But nobody wants to hear it from me. Why? Because I wasn't abandoned in the jungles of India, and growing up in the Enchanted Rock State Natural Area just doesn't have the cachet. Because being raised by squirrels just isn't as cool as being raised by wolves. Because everybody wants to hear about the Law of the Jungle, but nobody cares at all about the Wisdom of the Ducks. While Mowgli was running around learning how to stare down his brother wolves, I was learning how to crack walnuts with my teeth... but does anybody want to hear about that? Not hardly. Oh, sure Mowgli took down Shere Khan the tiger, but did he ever have to face down an angry armadillo? I don't think so.

But he's out there being famous and living it up, while I have to make ends meet by stocking shelves at Wal-Mart and waiting tables at the local truck stop. It's just not fair.

Some guys gave all the luck.


  1. Perhaps if the squirrels sang you a song about the simple squirrel necessities...? I dunno, just spitballing here.

  2. Good, good. Maybe a movie script instead of a book!


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