Notes from the Mad Science Lab: Baby Changing Station

Tabitha, my lab assistant, has... instructed me to provide some background and context before I describe my latest invention. Since her advice on such topics has proven useful in the past, I offer you all the following anecdote:

Three weeks ago, there was a small -- and, I assure you completely harmless -- implosion in the Mad Science Kitchen, which released a cloud of noxious gas which rendered everything in the neighborhood inedible and the kitchen itself unusable. As a result of this unfortunate incident, I took Tabitha out to dinner at not-terribly-nearby restaurant, and gave Armando (the crypto-zookeeper) permission to order pizza for the rest of the staff.

Whilst in the restaurant, I was intrigued to see that the sign for the gentlemen's restroom advertised the presence of baby changing station inside. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that this was merely a small platform that folded down from the wall. Tabitha assured me that this was so that beleaguered parents would have a place to change their children's clothes.

Now, please don't misunderstand. I have nothing against putting babies in fresh diapers. I am well aware that the young of our species, as a result of their internal biological processes, can produce output that ranges anywhere from the mildly eye-watering to full-scale violations of the Geneva Conventions regarding bacteriological warfare and the use of poisonous gases. Cleaning all that away and replacing it with a fresh diaper is not only a kindness to the child; it may well be the closest thing to a universal moral imperative that human beings are capable of recognizing.

Nevertheless, I was disappointed. A baby changing station should be able to do so much more. With that in mind, I present to you the Savage Labs Full-Featured Baby Changing Station. Offering a comprehensive range of options, the Savage Labs Full-Featured Baby Changing Station improves on the current models in every possible way.

To begin with, I have automated the process completely. Now, when you pull the table down from the wall, the station is programmed to offer you a complementary pair of nose plugs. Using advanced 3-D modeling techniques, the station will then ascertain the location and position of your child, and remove any dirty clothing. Dirty clothes are dropped into in a sealed hopper, which delivers them safely to the wall-mounted fusion reactor, simultaneously disposing of the foulness and powering the changing station.

The Savage Labs Full-Featured Baby Changing Station then uses a combination of cleaning sprays and wipers to clean your child -- quickly, completely, and (above all) gently. While this is underway, the touch-screen monitor will extend to offer you a range of baby-changing options. The colors of your child's eyes, hair, and skin can all be modified based on your selections; height at full growth can be pre-selected; IQ can be raised (but remember, smart children tend to be less biddable than their less imaginative companions!); muscle mass can be added, if desired; and metabolism can be tuned to meet your needs.

If you aren't happy with the results, they can easily be changed by another visit to a Savage Labs Full-Featured Baby Changing Station. Owing to the nature of our unique, soon-to-be-patented retroviral nanogen technology, we recommend waiting a full three weeks between visits. This is partly to ensure that your child doesn't accidentally develop gills, but mainly to give you, the doting parent, time to properly evaluate the changes in your beloved offspring.

Savage Labs Full-Featured Baby Changing Stations: just another way that mad science is making the world better... for you.