Tuesday, March 18, 2014

The Great Hotdog Schism

I love my wife, I really do. She's a lovely woman, smarter than I am in a lot of ways. There's just this one area where she's... how to say this? ...in error. Unorthodox. Heretical.

See, here's the thing. When I buy hotdogs, I do it right: Oscar Mayer Bun Length Wieners.

My wife, on the other hand, well... She buys Hebrew National Hot Dogs.

Look, it's not that they're bad hot dogs. They're perfectly yummy (by hotdog standards), they're the right length for a hotdog bun... but, well, they come seven to a pack.

Hotdog buns come eight to a pack.

Oscar Mayer Bun Length Wieners also come eight to a pack. That means that you run out of hotdogs at the same time that you run out of buns. That makes Oscar Mayer Bun Length Wieners the only sensible choice for hotdog purchases.

My wife, however, disagrees. She says that Hebrew National Hot Dogs are clearly, obviously superior because they don't have that red dye in them.

Now, all right-thinking people will agree that a bit of red dye is a small price to pay for not running out of hotdogs before you run out of buns, but my wife? She won't hear it. Perfectly sensible in all other areas, but she has this giant blind spot when it comes to hot dogs.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what has driven me to pen this epistle, to set right once and for all the correct approach to hotdogs. There is no middle ground on this. There is no backing down. There can be no reconciliation between the true believers of the Oscar Mayer Bun Length Wieners and the pernicious heretics of the Hebrew National Hotdogs.

...Not unless Hebrew National Hot Dogs start coming eight to a pack, anyway.


  1. Oh, come on. Everyone knows that Hebrew National are the One True Hot Dog. The pork ones taste funny, as all pork does. (Don't even talk to me about chicken hot dogs.) Get some minced garlic and butter and turn the leftover roll into garlic bread, or just freeze them until you've built up seven (or have enough to make mincing the garlic worthwhile, either way).

    (Mind you, I stopped eating hot dogs after the Stomach Bug from Hell, when I decided I'd had enough stomach pain for at least a decade and severely cut back on foods that gave me stomachaches.)

  2. Bun length....THANK YOU. I'm an Eckrich gal myself, but Oscar Mayer will do in a pinch. The grocery store had an insane sale on dogs this week, but all they had left were the regular ones, so my bun/dog ratio will be shot this time. It was totally worth it though.

    I bought the Hebrew National a couple of times, but I've got six kids and we're not multi billionaries :)

  3. Brin, you had me worried. For a moment there I thought I was going to have to cast you out as a heretic. But garlic bread? Clearly you have a powerful role (or roll) as a reformer.

    Alice, I'm not sure where Ekrich would fit in this debate. I may have to consider the possibility that the entire issue is... well... a little more complicated than just a simple choice between Right and Wrong.

  4. Buns and hot dogs are not actually intrinsically linked. We buy a pack of whatever hot dogs are cheap, and a pack of bratwursts. One pack of buns. That equals 14 bunable meats, and 8 buns (12 if I decide to buy the fancy ones).

    But at least one kid likes hot dogs best without a bun, and will eat 2-3 out of the fridge before I can cook them. And in fact, we always come out with buns left over.

    Leftover hot dog buns? Not a bad thing. Load it up with roast beef. Split a hamburger or chicken patty in half and put it in the bun for lunch. Use it for barbecue. OMG, North Carolina barbecue spread on a hot dog bun? You know how that stuff is always falling out of your hamburger bun? SOLUTION!


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