Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Notes from the Mad Science Lab: Morning PSAs

Good morning, minions. Let me start be reminding you that the morning announcements were put in place to help you, so pay attention.

It has come to my attention that some of you have been keeping lunches in the laboratory refrigerators. As a result, some of you may have been exposed to one or more mutagenic retroviruses. If you find yourself growing pincers, tentacles, or extra limbs or organs, please report to the Employee Quarantine Area for treatment. However, if you find yourself growing scales, fins, or gills, please report to the Dissection Center for a full medical examination. Note that it is vitally important that you report to the location assigned for your symptoms. Do not, under any circumstances, approach the medical staff directly. I have already had to restore two of our physicians from their cloned backups this week. This is inconvenient and expensive for me, but it also causes problems for you: our medical staff cannot treat you if they're busy turning into invertebrates.

On a related note, please join me in welcoming Dr. Sullivan2 and Dr. Bednar4 back to the ranks of full biological humanity.

Next: remember that the Crypto-Zoo is an important part of our research here. It is not here for your entertainment. I realize that Yetis are peaceable and even friendly under most circumstances, but they are kept in the Crypto-Zoo for a reason. Taking them to the staff cafeteria for "a field trip" violates our regulations and is grounds for dismissal without pay. Taking them to "kind of a wild party in the staff lounge" falls under paragraph 54B, subsection 42 of your employment contract: the "egregious violations" clause. Minions guilty of egregious violations will be reassigned to the role of test subjects.

Also, please remember that inter-species romances are strictly forbidden unless previously approved as part of our experimental process. Approval forms for minions are available from our Human Resources officer. Forms for non-human participants are available from the Inhuman Resources department.

Lastly... someone went for a swim in the biomorphic nanojelly pool last night. This has completely upset the balance of that experiment, as the jellies are now growing ears, fingers, and livers. The guilty party has until noon to turn himself or herself in at the front desk. After that, security teams will be coming around with black lights, and anyone caught fluorescing will be subject to disciplinary action.

That's all for this morning's announcements. You may now proceed to your assigned duties. Work hard, and be careful.


  1. You are keeping the medical personnel's brain tapes up to date, right? No point in them losing any more memories than absolutely necessary when activating new clones after all.

  2. Absolutely. Incremental backups are built into their bedtime routine, with full backups every other Sunday morning.


Feel free to leave comments; it lets me know that people are actually reading my blog. Interesting tangents and topic drift just add flavor. Linking to your own stuff is fine, as long as it's at least loosely relevant. Be civil, and have fun!