Notes from the Mad Science Lab: Electric Octogator

The response to last year's offering of Home Defense Systems was truly gratifying. Sales were solid, and only a handful of buyers contacted us with complaints about our products. However, one additional request did come up with surprising frequency: apparently we overlooked the vital importance of water-based defenses.

You would not believe the number of responses we received on this topic. Let me read from my favorite: "Dear sirs: carnivorous shrubberies are all well and good, but how is a privacy-oriented individual supposed to keep intruders out of the waters around his uncharted island in the South Pacific? Provide me a product that can manage that, and I will guarantee you an immediate sale."

Very well, Grand High General Moore. Your wishes are heard and understood - and now, at last, they are answered. I present to you the Electric Octogator: a devastatingly efficient anti-intrusion measure which requires no maintenance and very little supervision. Though they rest on land, octogators are tremendously fast in the water, and they are instinctively drawn to movement and noise. Once awakened, they are ravenously hungry, strong enough to lift a grown man into the air with their tentacles, and capable of delivering a bio-electric shock twice as strong as any taser currently available on the market. Their jaws can chew through a fiberglass hull in minutes, and they are unbelievably tenacious.

As a failsafe, each electric octogator comes equipped with a small implant which can alternately slow its metabolism (effectively putting it back to sleep), stimulate the beast's pain center, or (as a last resort) release a lethal dose of neurotoxin directly into its brain. These features can be activated using a small radio transmitter; for a small additional fee, we can also install a cellular connection which links to a dedicated iPhone app.

So you see, we here at the Mad Science Consortium are always attentive to the needs of our customers. We welcome your feedback, and look forward to supplying all your security needs. Don't forget, we're also having a clearance on exploding sunflowers through the end of October. Place your order today!