Monday, August 29, 2011

Notes from the Mad Science Lab: Home Defense Items

Home security is always a hot issue, and with the apparent inevitability of riots and revolutions in this modern age, there are quite a number of extremely rich people who are willing to pay a premium to protect their homes and possessions. With this in mind (side by side with the rising cost of supplies for the Mad Science Lab, I might add) I offer the following items for purchase:
  • Horned Hounds: By combining the Irish Wolfhound with a Horned Frog, I have created the Horned Hound. My Horned Hounds can run at up to thirty miles an hour, and are well protected by their spiky, scaly skins. Using their keen noses, they can track targets by smell over considerable distances. They can also shoot blood out of their eyes - a sure way to identify perpetrators for the police. Best of all, there's only a very slight chance that they'll metamorphose into berserk humanoid killing machines! (That may sound like an unacceptable risk, but I assure you that it is not. That transformation is usually triggered by injuries, so if it does happen, they'll most likely go after the intruders who injured them.)
  • Tentacle Bushes: It looks like an ordinary shrubbery, doesn't it? These plants* are entirely self-sufficient, requiring only soil, water, and sunlight in order to flourish. When approached, the Tentacle Bush reveals its true nature, and its inner limbs (carefully derived from Vampyroteuthis infernalis, the Vampire Squid) reach out to capture and devour the intruder. Caution: Do not allow house pets or loved ones near Tentacle Bushes.
  • Robot Rocs: Worried about intruders, but don't want an intrusive security presence? Our Robotic Rocs have a wingspan of thirty-five feet and can operate for up to eight years on a single plutonium slug while remaining far overhead and out of sight. They can be assigned to patrol extremely specific geographic areas, and their liquid-crystal brains are sophisticated enough to tell the difference between the regular poolboy and a housebreaking impostor every time. Robotic Rocs are also extremely gentle on your property, as they are not equipped with conventional weapons. Instead, they deal with intruders in the classic fashion: snatching them up in powerful mechanical claws, carrying them several hundred feet into the air, and dropping them somewhere outside your property. (This point can be assigned in advance, or the Roc can choose a landing zone at random.) Reminder: all household staff and visiting relatives must be scanned in advance before entering areas patrolled by Robotic Rocs.
  • Nuclear Safe: Store your valuables in complete security! Manufactured entirely from enhanced Uranium, this safe is guaranteed to constantly emit no less than 40Gy (4,000 rads) every ten minutes. Skilled locksmiths will quickly grow ill from exposure, while cruder methods of forcible entry will trigger a fission reaction; either way, the would-be thief will soon regret trying to steal from you! (Includes lead suit so you can safely insert your valuables.)
These items are only available through the Mad Science Consortium, and given the cost of materials and the quality of the products our prices are extremely reasonable. Order yours today!

* Well, okay, not exactly plants. Or at least, not entirely.

1 comment:

Feel free to leave comments; it lets me know that people are actually reading my blog. Interesting tangents and topic drift just add flavor. Linking to your own stuff is fine, as long as it's at least loosely relevant. Be civil, and have fun!