Subject: Random Spammer via LinkedIn Network

So, this appeared in my inbox at work:

Hi [My First Name],

I read your profile on LinkedIn and wanted to reach out. I’m [Random Spammer] with [Some Tech Service]. We’ve developed a powerful Crowdsourcing Platform, design and data science that provides efficient access to the world’s best technical talent for accelerated creativity and innovation.

A community of 700,000+ technical/design experts powers [Some Tech Service]. We help you rapidly scale your creative resources, technical capabilities and development capacity by providing on-demand access to a global team of leading designers, cloud developers and data scientists.

We’ve developed an impressive track record helping world-class organizations accelerate their innovation from proof-of-concept all the way through execution. Some of our clients include Amazon, Box, eBay, Facebook, Google, Harvard, Salesforce.com and NASA.

I look forward to connecting to discuss how we could become a powerful strategic asset for you and your team.

Please, let me know a couple of dates and times that work with your schedule. Looking forward to the conversation.



Best Regards,

[Random Spammer]

[Some Tech Service] | [Corporate Tagline that probably cost a bundle]

[Physical address for Some Tech Service, which may or may not correspond to any real-world location]

email: random.spammer@SomeTechService.com | Office: [phone #] | [www.SomeTechService.com]

I am never going to do business with these people.

Why?

This email. This, right here.

Why?

It's dishonest. Not in an "Oh, you know, marketing" sort of way. It's actually, directly dishonest. The very first line is a bald-faced lie, and when you open your pitch by lying to me, well... I'm done talking to you. No, I'm not going to hear you out. We're done. Go away.

"I read your profile on LinkedIn..." No, asshole, you didn't. I don't have a LinkedIn profile, so however you got ahold of my email address, it wasn't "via LinkedIn Network". (Hell, I'm still marveling at the fact that LinkedIn was anything more than a passing fad, let alone at the idea that it's essentially a prerequisite for new hires. I know, I know... "You kids get off my lawn!" and like that.)

Secondarily, if you were actually researching potential business partnerships instead of just spamming anyone who seems to be even vaguely involved in any sort of IT (educated guess, obviously) then it would be immediately and glaringly obvious that I have exactly the same authority to make business decisions as the banana I just had for breakfast -- which is to say, slightly less influence than our CIO's coffee cup.

And I don't have a team.

But let me tell you, if I ever do have such authority, any such authority, I will make it a point to avoid doing business with you. Especially since this is the third time I've received this exact same email, word for word, from the same source.

Think about it, Dumbass.

Anybody could need the help of a spell casting scammer!

So, I had just come back to the comments on another blog (to finish a response I'd started earlier) when I found that someone had come along after me and posted this. I've, um, corrected the email address to something a little more accurate.

miss fatimaMonday, July 07, 2014 8:28:00 pm

Is Dr.EBHOSE you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship,I
promise you.your problems will be solve immediately. After being in
relationship with him for seven years, He left me, i did everything
possible to bring him back back but all was in vain. I wanted him back
because of the love I have for him, I begged him but he refused until I
explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should
rather mail a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him
back but I am the type that never believe in spell, I had no choice than to
try it, I mailed the spell caster, he told me there was no problem that
everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me
before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day,
that was around 4:00pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the
call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened,
that he wanted to return to me, that he love me so much. I was so happy and
surprised. Since then I have made a promise that everybody I know will
never have a relationship problem, that I will refer them to the spell
caster to help them. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his
email IAmAHugeFake@SPAM.com
He also cast so many spell like,

( 1) want your ex back .
(2) You always have nightmares.
(3) To be promoted in your office
(4) Want a child.
(5 ) Do you want to be rich.
(6 ) want to hold your husband / wife to be yours alone forever.
(7 ) need financial assistance.
8) Do you want to be in control of you marriage
9) Want you be attracted to people
10) Childlessness
11) NEED A HUSBAND / WIFE
13) HOW TO WIN YOUR LOTTERY
14) PROMOTION SPELL
15) PROTECTION SPELL
16) BUSINESS SPELL
17) GOOD JOB SPELL
18) Cure for any disease/ h.i.v.
Contact him today on: IAmAHugeFake@SPAM.com

I know this may surprise you, but I'm actually jealous. I mean, I thought I wrote passably good fantasy stories... but I can't even begin to compete with this.

This seems strangely appropriate...

Found this in the SPAM folder:

My Email Wants To Kill Me

I just checked the SPAM folder for my email. In hindsight, this was clearly a mistake. But since I'm sure you're all dreadfully curious about what might be lurking there, here's what I found:

1. Paige says, Hey Baby! Where did you go??? :(
2. GO BIGGER wants me to add three inches to my manhood now.
3. Youtube Service has sent me two separate messages to tell me that my video has been approved.

This...

...this...

...You know, actually...

...This has the makings of a short story, or maybe a sit-com episode. We have a novice director (we'll call him Tom), desperate to achieve fame and fortune by producing Youtube videos; the poor neglected girlfriend (or would-be girlfriend) Paige, pining away while Tom is busy filming; and their neighbor, GO BIGGER ("GO" to his friends), who has a cunning plan to get them (back?) together. Will Tom ever reach his dreams? Will he realize what he's missing out on by ignoring Paige? Will Paige wait patiently? Will she meet someone new? Will GO's wacky plot bring the two of them together, or drive them further apart??? And how much therapy will Tom need after he learns what GO has in mind for his anatomy?

Sadly, there's nothing about zombies in there, so I'm never going to write this.

What about the rest of you? Any intriguing story ideas hiding in your SPAM?

Dennis Markuze: Refining the Theory

I suggested, in one of my earlier posts, that Dennis Markuze changed his rant every few weeks in order to avoid SPAM filters.

I no longer think this is the case.

A little more searching around seems to indicate that many of the changes are the result of direct responses to particular individuals. These responses are then incorporated into the main rant, and afterwards propagated anywhere Mr. Markuze can paste it. This causes a sort of evolution in his writings, and creates a lot of the apparent non-sequiturs which make his rants so confusing.

Why would he do this? I suspect he can't tell us apart. He doesn't think of the people he spams as individuals. The people whose blogs he dislikes are basically a faceless horde - atheists, the enemies of God - and anything one of us learns, the rest then know. He doesn't answer when people ask him what he's talking about, because the question makes no sense: clearly, we know already. Even the "big names" aren't really individuals, they're just particularly distinct manifestations of the protean evil known as atheism.

At this point, unless Mr. Markuze cares to explain himself, I'm done. Conversations have to happen between (or among) people, and there's no point in trying to talk to someone who can't distinguish between me (an individual) and a rather large group of other people. So, until and unless we actually have a conversation, I'm just going to delete any of Mr. Markuze's tragic irrelevancies. DM, if you read this, I sincerely hope you can find the help you need.

Regular blogging will resume tomorrow, with the next installment of Reflections of a Deranged Cultist.

The Lunatic Fringe has found me

"DM" has started posting comments on my blog.

As I've mentioned before, I read (and comment on) a fair number of blogs run by agnostics, atheists, ex-Christians, and other unbelievers. I could do a long (and possibly even interesting) post on why this is, but let's make a token effort to stay on topic. "DM" has apparently noted my contributions, and decided to post some, er, contributions of his own. At a guess, he thinks that I'm some sort of militant atheist (I'm not), or else he thinks that my readership (all, what? ten of you) is a hotbed of subversive, anti-religious activity.

I've deleted these responses from the posts where they appeared, because A) they don't actually respond to the content of those posts, and B) they're essentially spam: identical, pasted-in responses which consist of a mixture of incoherent ranting and bizarre, semi-random links. Here's a sample:

Now I want you to listen to this little f*cker...

http://www.ted.com/talks/james_randi.html

Randi:

When I see your UGLY FACE I understand why you are an atheist




the really SHARP END OF OCCAM’S RAZOR…


they mix SKEPTICISM with ATHEISM…

KABOOM…
______________________



with the atheists:

they start begging when they start dying...


they PAY THE PRICE FOR ATTACKING THE SUPERNATURAL -

with their LIVES...


CRYSTAL NIGHT TONIGHT!

Atheists,

but you have NO ANSWER TO DEATH... therefore you FAIL...


THE DEATH TRAP

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-8-Yxdphsg
********

THE REAL QUESTION:

DOES ATHEISM HAVE A FUTURE?

AND THE ANSWER - NO!

visit:

http://www.clubconspiracy.com/forum/f30/does-ath-ism-have-future-no-11202.html#post66570




Shermer - Harris - Myers - Dawkins - Randi VS. NOSTRADAMUS - EINSTEIN - MARKUZE


you're ANNIHILATED!


Atheists,

Repent and turn to God.

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what to make of this. A (very minimal) bit of research indicates that DM is actually Dennis Markuze, of Montreal, Canada; apparently he also posts as David Mabus, along with various other pseudonyms. His behavior here is entirely typical: drive-by postings of copied-and-pasted text with no direct relevancy to whatever he's ostensibly responding to. (More information is available here, here, and here; or just put his name in a google search.) The text is, as a rule, incoherent and vaguely threatening; it's also utterly repetitive. (Seriously. The first time I ran across his comments, I thought they were being produced by a spambot, rather than a person.)

I'm sure that in DM's head, this is all really impressive. Out here in the real world, not so much; I mean, he's clearly dedicated to his work, but his work consists of pasting in a single, pre-written response over and over, ad nauseum. It's almost like some peculiar sort of performance art, except for the lack of any appreciable artistic merit. (Actually, I guess that really doesn't distinguish it from performance art, does it?)

The psychology of this thing fascinates me. So, while I'm tempted to pick apart the text of DM's comments, instead I'd like to ask him a few questions. The first one is simply this: what's the goal, here? In other words, what is it that you hope/intend to accomplish by posting these comments? What are you trying to do?

DM, if you do choose to respond, please post your responses without pasting in the rant. I'd like to have some sort of conversation, or at least an online interview; and that's really hard to do if I have to skim past a full page of unconnected comments and links every time you post. I don't mind comments from people who disagree with me, but I do ask that the responses be specific to the post.

Scammer Seeks Apprentice

I saw a sign on my way into work this morning. I'd just gotten off the highway, and was coming up to the light where I turn from the service road onto Arapaho. The sign was on the verge - that grassy area between the sidewalk and the street. The sign was maybe two feet wide and a foot high, held up by an abbreviated wire frame that had been driven into the earth. It was hand-lettered, and it said:

REAL ESTATE INVESTOR
SEEKS APPRENTICE
$20,000 / MONTH+?
(972) XXX-XXXX

Now, my immediate reaction was a derisive snort. These sorts of signs pop up from time to time, and they're invarably scams of one sort or another. But the more I thought about this one, the funnier it got.

I mean... "Real estate investor seeks apprentice?" Seriously? Have you looked at the market lately? D/FW isn't as bad off as some areas, but it ain't great - and somehow you're doing well enough to seek an apprentice?

And that brings me to my second point: "apprentice?" How does that work? I mean, if you're looking for an assistant, that's one thing - though I notice that there's no particular skill set being mentioned. Instead, I'm supposed to believe that you're seeking a protégé that you can train in the mysterious ways of real estate investing, someone to whom you can impart your hidden wisdom, someone who - when the time comes - can take up the burden himself...? Dude, I think you've confused "real estate investing" with "Jedi training".

Which brings us, at last, to the utterly laughable bottom line: $20,000 / month. Seriously, what? You can afford to pay an apprentice $20K a month, but you have to advertise with craptastic hand-lettered signs by the roadside? Really? Or maybe I'm reading that wrong, and you want me to pay you $20K each month for the priviledge of sitting at your feet and learning all the skills that made you - clearly - so enviably successful. Either way, FAIL.

So very much fail, on so very many levels.

Found this e-mail in my SPAM filter:

Hello Dear,
How are you today? I hope that everything is ok with you as it is my great pleasure to contact you in having communication with you starting from today; please I wish you will have the desire with me so that we can get to know each other better and see what happens in future.

I will be very happy if you can write me through my email for easy communication so that we can know each other, I will give you my pictures and details about me upon hearing from you. Waiting for your response as I wish you all the best.

Yours new friend,
Miss Bianca Dakira.

I have absolutely no idea what to make of this. Is it an unusual lead-in to a Nigerian Scam? An attempt to lure me to some sort of website (which would, at best, want me to pay money for something or other; or, more likely, do its best to infect my system with trojans, worms, and other viruses)? Someone so lonely that she's resorted to spamming people in a desperate effort to achieve human contact?

It's obviously not a native English speaker, and the goal (at this stage) is clearly to get me (or, well, anyone - it was sent out to "undisclosed recipients") to respond by e-mail.

I'm almost curious enough to reply.

Almost.

Zombie Homeopathy

This morning we were playing with Theron's toys. (Theron is my son; he turned three back in June, which was a bit over two months ago.) This was something of a command performance, since I just woke up. On the whole I would have preferred to be drinking my tea. My son, however, had other ideas. He wanted me to play with the zombie (an action figure), while my wife played with Octopus Monster (actually a stuffed-animal version of Cthulhu). More to the point, he wanted us to make Octopus Monster talk to the zombie.

So I'm sitting at the kitchen table, sipping my tea, and making the zombie talk to the Octopus Monster, when I spot this this business card lying amidst yesterday's mail. On the front, it gives the name and phone number for someone who claims to be a "Homeopathy Physician" (and actually puts "M.D." after his - or possibly her - name).

Well, the thing unfolds. So I open it up and look at the inside, and find:

Stimulate body and mind to heal naturally
HOMEOPATHY CURES

Beneath this is a list of things that Homeopathy can cure. I call my wife over, because - in addition to things like "Allergies" and "Acne" - it has a bullet point for "Woman disease like Menstrual problems, Menopause, Uterine fibroid, Pregnancy related disorders, Brest lumps etc." That's an exact quote, by the way, so the erratic capitalization and misspellings are all part of the original card.

So I'm sitting there thinking, Homeopathic medicine cures Menopause? Seriously? Except that I'm currently the zombie, and my wife is currently the Octopus Monster, and our son wants us to make the two monsters talk to each other. This, naturally, pulls the conversation a little off track...

Octopus Monster: "Hi, zombie"
Zombie: "Hi, Octopus Monster."
OM: "What are you looking at, Zombie?"
Z: "It's a business card. It says homeopathic medicine can cure all kinds of things."
OM: "Do you need homeopathic medicine, Zombie?"
Z: "Well, I was hoping it would cure Rotting Flesh."
OM: "Yes, you do seem to have a problem with that."
Z: "It would be great if I could rub some powdered rose leaves..."
OM: "Maybe a poultice?"
Z: "...or maybe put a poultice on my arm and have the flesh grow back."
OM: "Well, maybe there is some sort of natural cure for that."
Z: {thoughtful pause}
Z: "Brains."
OM: "Oh, yes. The brains of the living."
Z: "Brains are homeopathic."

So there you go, folks. Brains are homeopathic medicine for zombies. You heard it here first.

One of these days, Theron is going to repeat something like this at school (or church, or somewhere equally inappropriate). I'm not looking forward to explaining our sense of humor. On the other hand, it'll probably make for some interesting parent-teacher conferences...

This entry will probably be cross-posted in The Book of Parenting.

Irony is lost on spammers

I just received a message on one of my e-mail accounts. It was SPAM, of course. It said (corrected for spelling and oddly placed letters):

"How to Make Out With a Girl - In 44 Simple Steps."

Forty-four? Forty-four? Forty-four simple steps? What do they give you, a wall chart? (I'm now picturing some poor, hapless dweeb who ordered two - one instructional poster to go on the ceiling over the bed, and another to go on the headboard.) Or maybe the poor girl has to wait while he advances to the next Powerpoint slide?

(The e-mail also included a web address, which I won't repeat here since I'm certain that what it actually has to offer is a wide and intriguing selection of viruses, worms, and trojans. Or maybe, if you're lucky, all they'll do is take your order and then use the information to clean out your bank account.)

But really... Suppose I were insecure about my {ahem} romantic performance. Should I find it comforting to know that the simple method requires me to remember forty-four distinct steps? Gods above, what does the complicated method entail?

PG-13 answers in the comments, please. Extra points for originality.