Wednesday, August 29, 2012

On Hold

"Welcome to Genericare. All our associates are currently busy helping other customers, even though the store just opened three and half seconds ago. Someone will be with you as soon as possible. Please hold."

(Really, really awful jazz.)

"Thank you for continuing to hold. Someone will be with you momentarily."

(Really, really awful classical: pastoral and cheery.)

"We care deeply about our customers and are always happy to hear from you. Please continue to hold."

(Really, really awful instrumental cover of Cyndi Lauper.)

"Our associates are happy to help, and look forward to addressing your concerns. Please continue to hold."

(Even more really, really awful jazz. Not that there's any other kind that gets played as hold music...)

"Did you know that we have a website? It's a marvelous new invention that's only been around for the last twenty years or so, you probably haven't realized that you could use that instead of being on hold. Unless, of course, you're only waiting here because the nature of your problem requires intervention from an actual, oxygen-processing human being."

(Calm, soothing classical music, designed to either put you straight to sleep or send you into a homicidal rage.)

"Someone will be with you momentarily. Your patience is appreciated."

(Really, really awful jazz. Again.)

"You do know about our website, right? For online support, visit this insanely long and ill-considered URL. In fact, we'll repeat it for you - twice! - because there's no chance you managed to get that down on the first try. We have all kinds of useless help files and upselling strategies on the website, so you should really go there and quit bothering the paid employees."

(More soporific classical music.)

"All our associates are currently helping other customers. Or faffing off in the break room. Or something. But let's face it: you've been on hold for eighteen minutes and twenty-two seconds, now. We know you aren't going anywhere. So stay on the line a while longer, and somebody will get to you. Eventually. Maybe."

(And then, at last, the music that broke my will:)


  1. I hate hold music. But worse than hold music, I hate the ENDLESS breaking in of some vapidly helpful voice. Good grief, just let me marinate in your stupid music while I try to read a book or something and quit pinging my attention making me think a live human might be about to speak unless a live human is about to speak.

  2. It's when the hold music stops, just so they can remind you about their website or ... whatever that drives me nuts. I always think that maybe this is when a real, live, human being is going to answer, but it turns out it's just another message about how important their customers are.


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