Tuesday, October 4, 2011

And now I take requests from the search logs

Time for a quick question-and-answer session, for the benefit of those poor souls who were reduced to searching online for the answers to life's difficult questions. Today we'll be addressing two important issues:

1. How to explain the Zombie Apocalypse to parents

First of all, I'm a little worried about this. I mean, I'm a parent, and I already know about the coming Zombie Apocalypse. So does my wife. In fact, we're usually the ones trying to explain it to other people.

But we're parents with young children, and not everyone is in our particular stage of life. I suppose it's possible that grown men and women might find it difficult to explain the impending arrival of the Walking Plague to their parents, who - being of an earlier generation - might have grown up thinking that the dead would only rise when Gabriel sounds his trump to announce the Last Judgement. They might be wholly unaware of the Cambodian "zombie" outbreak (caused by a new strain of Malaria), especially since the original article is no longer available. (Government cover-up, much?) And in that case, I suppose that, yes, they might find it a bit difficult to understand why they need to prepare for survival in a world overrun with hordes of the hungry dead.

Still, the basic concept isn't that hard to explain. I mean, the zombie rises from the dead and bites someone. The person who just got bitten turns into a zombie, and then bites other people. Those people all turn into zombies, who go out and bite even more people, and the next thing you know, human civilization has come to an abrupt and messy end. Either you're ready to survive, or you're part of the problem - the shambling, moaning, flesh-hungry problem.

So here's my advice:
First off, use visual aids. Halloween is almost here, and it's not like there's any shortage of zombie films around. Invite your parents over for a "Scary Movie Night" and watch one. Any of the classic Romero films are good, but if that's more than your parents are willing to watch you could try Zombieland instead. Not only is it a lighter take on the coming apocalypse, it's full of useful safety tips. Then, when the movie is over, switch off the television, turn to your parents, and explain: "Now, when this happens, we'll need to be ready..."

They'll probably listen. Nobody wants to be zombie food, after all.

2. How To Tell If Your Velociraptor Is Having Pre-Marital-Sex
Okay, look. I know it's not easy being a parent. I mean, you watch the kid hatch, you get those wonderful moments where they stare at you adoringly with those big saurian eyes. You do your best to raise the child right, you make sure they have enough food to grow big and strong, you try to get them a good education - or at least teach them how to hunt for themselves.

But then they get older. They start hanging out with 'raptors from different packs, kids you don't know or don't approve of. Or maybe they've gone even farther afield; maybe now they're spending their time with that T-rex down the street. And they get cranky - threatening to rip your guts out if you try to set a curfew, little things like that. It's perfectly natural for you, the parent, to start wondering what else they might be doing. After all, you can't be with them all the time.

Don't panic. There are some things you can look for.

First of all, is your velociraptor still wearing his or her purity ring? If so, you're probably safe - no matter how far they've backslidden or how wild their behavior has gotten, no young raptor would ever have sex while wearing their ring.

Unfortunately, there is a very slight chance that they might take the ring off, have sex, and put it back on afterwards. If you're suspicious, examine the purity ring itself. Does it show the sorts of dents and scratches that come from trying to remove jewelry using claws designed to tear into your hapless prey? If the marks are there, then your sweet little baby is probably having pre-marital sex.

But what if your child doesn't have a purity ring? Speaking frankly, if that's the case then your parenting is definitely part of the problem. Oh, sure, the "experts" will tell you all about building trust, talking to your children, and letting them make their own choices. Who's giving you this advice? Dr. Grat is an apatosaurus, Professor Loyork is a triceratops, and that talk show host Miss Lowrrr is a stegosaurus. Look, I'm not prejudiced, but every single one of them is a herbivore.

So maybe that sort of approach works for them and their plant-eating children. Believe me, if you're trying to raise a velociraptor, you can't afford to think that way. That sort of soft, touchy-feely approach leads to teenage rebellion, loose morals, pre-marital dinosaur sex, and eventually the extinction of our entire way of life with a massive meteor impact. Don't let that happen! Get your little 'raptors to a church, get their tails in the pews, make 'em take the pledge, and slap a purity ring on those lovely clawed fingers. Your hatchling's future happiness depends on it!


  1. Those are awesome questions and very appropriate answers. The first I can think of typing into Google, but the second requires a very special person to think of.

  2. Thanks! I have to say, that was a lot of fun to write.


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