Weekly horoscope

Aries:
Winter weather is headed your way. Not to your area or anyone around you; just you. Being indoors will not help; you'll just get snow on everything.

Taurus:
It's following you. Sometimes if you turn your head quickly you can just catch a glimpse of it. There's nothing to worry about, though. It actually wants to be friends, it's just very, very shy.

Gemini:
Today you will receive a letter from your old friend, who is now a reclusive inventor. He will invite you see his latest machine, a device designed to open human awareness to the whole of reality.

Don't go.

Cancer:
Be very wary of crossroads and doorways today, and make a point of crossing running water at least three times. Don't ask why; you really don't want to know.

Leo:
That quiet day to yourself that you've been longing for will finally arrive when an apocalyptic plague sweeps the planet, leaving only a handful of survivors. The older woman in the one-bedroom house in the middle of corn fields is psychic; trust her.

Virgo:
The Super Blood Wolf Moon has given you the power to control the movement of air, but you must never use this power. The first time you try it, you will accidentally suffocate yourself.

Libra:
This would be the perfect day to set your grand plan for the perfect crime into motion.

Scorpio:
You will encounter a time-traveler today. Unfortunately, you will completely fail to recognize her, as she did her research and blends in perfectly with modern-day fashions and behaviors.

Sagittarius:
Signs point to trouble and possible injury from bunnies today. So if you see a rabbit or anything that looks like one, run the other way.

Capricorn:
The world abounds in wonders and terrors, and we live in an age of miracles. Unfortunately, you're going to be stuck with just another dull day of grinding away at your job.

Aquarius:
Today you will be invited to take part in a mystical quest to save a wondrous magical realm. Unfortunately, you will misunderstand the question and hand over the salt shaker from your table instead.

Pisces:
Today will go much better if you just go ahead and maim that one co-worker with his Excalibur letter-opener. You'll feel better about yourself afterwards, too.