Monday, May 19, 2014

Notes from the Mad Science Lab: Self-Defense Breakfast Exposition

Ah, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome, one and all. Welcome... to the Mad Science Self-Defense Breakfast Exposition!

Before we begin, take a moment to survey the delightful repast in front of you. Here at the Mad Science Consortium, our researchers have worker very hard to ensure that all of our self-defense foodstuffs are a perfect match for the finest of ordinary foods. In taste, texture, and smell, you will find that your breakfast is indistinguishable from the work of the finest chefs. It is only on close inspection that the vital, life-saving differences become apparent.

Let's begin with an examination of our bagels. Go ahead and pick them up; in their current state, they're completely harmless - and, indeed, substantially more nutritious than ordinary bagels. Watch, however, as I touch my bagel with the catalyst point on the end of my knife... and toss it at our simulated intruder... Quite an explosion, isn't it? More than sufficient to take out even a small group of attackers, let alone an individual. For added effect, the cream cheese can be activated with the same catalyst, turning it into a combustible gel that burns at over two thousand, five hundred degrees Kelvin - hot enough to melt lead and immolate intruders.

Next up is our razor-edged bacon, lovingly harvested from nanite-enhanced pigs. Our unique laser-carving process also serves to cook the bacon, giving it that crispy, flavorful quality. Handle it carefully, folks! The edges are sharp enough to remove fingers. Razor-edged bacon is intended as a short-range throwing weapon. See how it slices into the simulated flesh of our target? It will work as well or better on real, live intruders.

Safe to eat? Of course it's safe to eat! Well, yes, we did have a few minor issues in testing... nicks and cuts, mostly... and that one fellow whose jaw fell off... but if you sign up for our Mad Science Self-Defense Breakfast Program any time this week, we'll throw in a complete alimentary system upgrade free of charge! Not only will you never have another cavity - you'll even be able to swallow broken glass or razor blades with no ill effects!

So, moving on, let's consider the eggs. Warm and delicious if eaten with your fork... but if you touch them with catalyst point on the other end, they dissolve into a cloud of sleeping gas. It works on contact with the skin, rendering everyone within eight feet or so unconsci... yes, just like that, Mrs. Hatchness. Very good. Would someone please wake up Mrs. Hatchness and her companions? Thank you.

As I was about to say, the most efficient way to render yourself immune to the effect is to make our Instant-Out Eggs a regular part of your diet. Once your body has had a chance to metabolize them, you'll find that their gaseous form does nothing more than leave you with a brief bout of euphoria, followed by a mild headache.

Now let's examine your cantaloupe. Each slice is juicy, delicious, and filling... and with a touch of the handle of your spoon, it hardens instantly for use as a close-quarters weapon. This, of course, is a back-up strategy, in case you have failed to explode, immolate, or immobilize your attackers already.

Should you become injured in the course of defending yourself at breakfast, never fear: our potent restorative orange juice is packed with a nanite mixture designed heal most external injuries. Just pour it over the wound, and it immediately forms a synthetic skin while it sets about repairing the tissues underneath. Consumed, it scours your system clean. Our nanomachines can identify and destroy forty-seven different diseases, including the entire currently-known catalog of sexually transmitted infections. They will unclog your arteries, disassemble kidney stones, and extend your lifespan by up to twenty years. All things in moderation, however; increasing consumption beyond a single cup per day will not extend your lifespan further, and may result in cases of spontaneous human combustion.

So there you are, ladies and gentlemen: the Mad Science Self-Defense Breakfast. Join our program today, and you can once again feel safe at your own breakfast table.


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