Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Obviously I'm in the wrong line of work

Why should I be working on websites, when I could be writing epic poetry in the ancient heroic tradition, like this:

The literati sent out their minions to do their bidding. Washington cannot tolerate threats from outsiders who might disrupt their comfortable world. The firefight started when the cowardly sensed weakness. They fired timidly at first, then the sheep not wanting to be dropped from the establishment's cocktail party invite list unloaded their entire clip, firing without taking aim their distortions and falsehoods. Now they are left exposed by their bylines and handles. But surely they had killed him off. This is the way it always worked. A lesser person could not have survived the first few minutes of the onslaught. But out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia emerged Gingrich, once again ready to lead those who won't be intimated by the political elite and are ready to take on the challenges America faces.

Seriously, are there any politicians out there looking for a spokesdude/speechwriter who can produce descriptions like this? 'Cause let me tell you, I will write the flowery, overblown shit out of your press releases, speeches, and tweets. I'm completely prepared to sell out my personal integrity in exchange for ridiculous sums of money, too.

Hire me, and see your spineless and petty opponents ground into searing defeat, until the only options left to them are lamentation and despair. Against the overwhelming puissance of my dazzling wordplay, they will fall like wheat before a scythe. I will sear them beyond any hope of redemption. I can do this.


  1. Wow, it's amazing that guy gets paid to write crap like that. I should send my latest bit about finding God's foreskin and see if I can nab his job.

  2. At least I understood what the hell you wrote. :)

  3. Should the Gingrich bit be read in movie guy voice?

  4. Movie Guy Voice...

    Oh, my. I, um, I'll be right back. I have to create a new post.


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