Monday, May 11, 2020

Horoscopes for the week of May 10 - 16

Beware of guys in hockey masks carrying machetes. Avoid old summer camps and isolated lakes. In fact, just don't have sex this week.

Beware of guys in ratty old sweaters with blade-fingered gloves haunting your dreams. Probably better not to sleep at all until at least... let's say next Sunday.

Beware of escaped sanitarium patients with supernatural vitality wielding kitchen knives and wearing white masks. Don't be a teenager if you can possibly avoid it until at least next week, and if you can't avoid it make absolutely sure you aren't related to the killer.

Watch out for neighbors acting oddly, especially if they seem to have odd lapses in their memories; beware of pods growing in basements and closets. Whatever you do, don't fall asleep.

Beware of clowns in sewers. "We all float down here" my ass.

Beware of punk motorbike gangs. The noodles aren't worms and the rice aren't maggots, but the wine really is blood and you don't need to be drinking that.

Opening the geode after you accidentally got a splinter bad enough to spill blood onto the ground may not seem like much, but it'll open a gate to a realm of evil gods and you'll have tiny demons running all over your house in no time. Just bury it and plant another tree, okay?

Avoid deserts and the larger sorts of drainage pipes. If you hear a high-pitched keening sound, run. Just to be safe, stay away from all sorts of sugar, too. Nobody wants to be devoured by giant ants.

Avoid mortuaries and funeral parlors. Yes, they are turning the bodies to sinister and unworldly purposes, but if you just stay out of the Tall Man's way, the floating silver sphere won't come for you. Well... not until it's much later, and by then it's much too late.

Whatever you do, do not participate in a prank designed to shame the nerdy high-school girl for her interest in the football player on prom night. She has psychic powers, and it will end badly for everyone around.

Beware of undertaking scientific expeditions to the Amazon to search for "living fossils" showing a direct connection between land-based life and aquatic life. Any such explorations will result in disaster. This is not a metaphor.

The dead are not rising from their graves to devour the living... yet. Take the win.

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