Thursday, June 4, 2015

Subject: Random Spammer via LinkedIn Network

So, this appeared in my inbox at work:
Hi [My First Name],

I read your profile on LinkedIn and wanted to reach out. I’m [Random Spammer] with [Some Tech Service]. We’ve developed a powerful Crowdsourcing Platform, design and data science that provides efficient access to the world’s best technical talent for accelerated creativity and innovation.

A community of 700,000+ technical/design experts powers [Some Tech Service]. We help you rapidly scale your creative resources, technical capabilities and development capacity by providing on-demand access to a global team of leading designers, cloud developers and data scientists.

We’ve developed an impressive track record helping world-class organizations accelerate their innovation from proof-of-concept all the way through execution. Some of our clients include Amazon, Box, eBay, Facebook, Google, Harvard, and NASA.

I look forward to connecting to discuss how we could become a powerful strategic asset for you and your team.

Please, let me know a couple of dates and times that work with your schedule. Looking forward to the conversation.

Best Regards,

[Random Spammer]

[Some Tech Service] | [Corporate Tagline that probably cost a bundle]

[Physical address for Some Tech Service, which may or may not correspond to any real-world location]

email: | Office: [phone #] | []

I am never going to do business with these people.


This email. This, right here.


It's dishonest. Not in an "Oh, you know, marketing" sort of way. It's actually, directly dishonest. The very first line is a bald-faced lie, and when you open your pitch by lying to me, well... I'm done talking to you. No, I'm not going to hear you out. We're done. Go away.

"I read your profile on LinkedIn..." No, asshole, you didn't. I don't have a LinkedIn profile, so however you got ahold of my email address, it wasn't "via LinkedIn Network". (Hell, I'm still marveling at the fact that LinkedIn was anything more than a passing fad, let alone at the idea that it's essentially a prerequisite for new hires. I know, I know... "You kids get off my lawn!" and like that.)

Secondarily, if you were actually researching potential business partnerships instead of just spamming anyone who seems to be even vaguely involved in any sort of IT (educated guess, obviously) then it would be immediately and glaringly obvious that I have exactly the same authority to make business decisions as the banana I just had for breakfast -- which is to say, slightly less influence than our CIO's coffee cup.

And I don't have a team.

But let me tell you, if I ever do have such authority, any such authority, I will make it a point to avoid doing business with you. Especially since this is the third time I've received this exact same email, word for word, from the same source.

Think about it, Dumbass.

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