Falsehoods!

This is one of those silly little games that was going around on Facebook. The idea, basically, is that someone gives you a number, and you have to tell people that many things about yourself... except, you have to make those things up. (There's another variant involving "things you may not know about me" in which the facts are actually, um, facts... but this one is more fun.) So, since I have nothing better to put up this morning, I'm going to copy my list over for your amusement:

1. I have two left feet. One of them belonged to my grandfather.

2. My ninja training came to an abrupt and dishonorable halt at age eight, when I accidentally stepped on the Grandmaster's foot during a training exercise. I still maintain that it wasn't my fault; if he hadn't been blending with the shadows, I would have known his toes were there.

3. I am the first person who thought to open a Lament Configuration while wearing a full suit of platemail armor. The fishhooks bounced right off.

4. I hold PHDs in parapsychology and necromancy.

5. I once found Excalibur for $67.99 in a thrift shop, but couldn't afford to buy it.

6. Last February, aliens landed on my lawn. We had a nice conversation about human customs and the possibilities for interstellar travel and trade. Unfortunately, the inferior quality of my cheap, generic, store-brand tea convinced that Earth just wasn't a suitable vacation spot for upper-class Arcturians.

7. Years of alchemical study and experimentation finally paid off when I discovered the Philosopher's Stone. Unfortunately, my three-year-old promptly lost it somewhere in the back yard.

8. Owing to a minor accident with a time machine, a bottle of wine, and thirty yards of surgical tubing, I am my own great-grandfather.