The Game of Golf.

I can't be the only person who thinks that not only is Golf kind of its own special language, but that it's almost entirely made up, right? Right?

Oh, you want an example? All right. "The green on this hole is very receptive." What does that even mean? Am I trying to proposition it at a cocktail party or something? Why would you even say that about what I assume is a well-groomed stretch of grass?

"Usually this is a mid-iron shot with a bunker on the left and a bunker behind the green..." Should I be worried about machine gun fire? Do I need to elbow-crawl towards my next shot? What is going on here???

"This week's game will be a 4-Person Team Championship Stroke Play." WHY DOES ALL THIS SOUND LIKE SOME KIND OF THINLY VEILED EUPHEMISM? WHY???

Oh, right. Probably because it was invented by the Scots.

Anyway, as far as I can tell, here's how you play golf.

Step One: There's a little white ball. Set it on the ground, then hit it with the metal stick. The ball will going flying off into some wildly unlikely location, including such possibilities as Off In The Trees Where You Will Never Find It, In The Deep Grass With The Snakes, or At The Bottom Of A Pool Of Mucky Water That Some Idiot Left Lying Around.

Step Two: Drink beer.

Step Three: Walk to the edge of the area where your ball disappeared. Set a new ball on the ground and pretend that it is absolutely, without question, exactly the same ball that disappeared a few moments ago. If your companions question this, offer them more beer. Hit the new ball with the metal stick, and watch your new ball disappear to some new but equally idiotic location which might as well be the bottom of the Marianas Trench.

Step Four: Drink more beer.

Step Five: Repeat Steps Three and Four until one of your balls miraculously lands near the hole. Tap the ball into the hole. Be gentle. Be graceful. Above all, do not let anyone know how drunk you are already.

Step Six: Drink more beer.

Step Seven: Move to the next hole, and repeat this process.