Can you tell if by any miraculous chance, the iPad with Serial # XXXXXXXXXXXX is still under warranty?
Coverage has run out on this item. Is there an issue we can help with?
Me (knowing that it's an iPad 4 that was bought back in 2013 or thereabouts):
I am wholly, entirely, completely, utterly, and in all other ways unsurprised by that, but thank you for checking.
There isn't what I'd call an issue. I think the only thing that can be done for the device at this point is to give it a decent burial, and (after a suitable period of mourning) replace it with something less... mangled.
I’m so sorry that is happening. Please let us know if you need anything else as we are here to help always.
It's okay. I have it on good authority that iPad brought this terrible fate on itself through a life of reckless extravagance and poor moral judgement. It seems inevitable that it would have come to such a bad end.