Can you tell if by any miraculous chance, the iPad with Serial # XXXXXXXXXXXX is still under warranty?
Apple Store:
Coverage has run out on this item. Is there an issue we can help with?
Me (knowing that it's an iPad 4 that was bought back in 2013 or thereabouts):
I am wholly, entirely, completely, utterly, and in all other ways unsurprised by that, but thank you for checking.
There isn't what I'd call an issue. I think the only thing that can be done for the device at this point is to give it a decent burial, and (after a suitable period of mourning) replace it with something less... mangled.
Apple Store:
I’m so sorry that is happening. Please let us know if you need anything else as we are here to help always.
Me:
It's okay. I have it on good authority that iPad brought this terrible fate on itself through a life of reckless extravagance and poor moral judgement. It seems inevitable that it would have come to such a bad end.
Driving a steamroller over this device may have seemed like a good idea at the time but I recommend against the procedure generally.
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