Monday, June 20, 2011

Notes from the Mad Science Lab: Nanotech Barbershop

Some days things just go from bad to worse.

I decided that I kind of like being bald. It's such a simple, no-nonsense fashion. Plus, if you can pull it off, it looks kind of evil - a definite asset in my line of work. The problem is that if you're not naturally bald, staying bald takes time and effort - time and effort that could be better spent on, say, building a better freeze ray.

The solution? Nanites. Microscopic machines, custom-designed to maintain their energy by consuming my hair. It's like having a million tiny, invisible barbers working constantly to keep my head clean.

So this morning, I tested them.

The good news: they work. The bit of hair that I'd grown back is now completely gone.

The bad news: they work. My eyebrows are gone, too. So are my eyelashes. And... well... everything else, too. Which is weird, but nowhere near as annoying as blinking without eyelashes. I had no idea how wrong that would feel.

The worse news: The nanites can apparently eat any sort of keratin. Bye-bye fingernails... and then toenails...

The worst news: Fifteen minutes in, they started eating tooth enamel as well. That's not even remotely the same substance, so it has to be a replication error.

I hit the Flush button at that point - harder than you'd think with no fingernails. (Typing is no great joy either, I might add.) Fortunately, whatever that replication error was, it didn't render them immune to the cleanser. Unfortunately, I need to come up with a way to artificially replace my tooth enamel so I can eat and drink. Even opening my mouth is unpleasant. So that'll be this afternoon's project.

After that, I'll go back to the old-fashioned method of staying bald: a full-size robot barber. It's less elegant, but it'll be much more reliable. At least, as long as I don't put that hunter-seeker chip in by mistake...


  1. Electrolysis. Seriously. Permanent, safe, and expensive, but not more expensive than a robot barber (especially if robot barber get's hold of Sweeney Todd).

  2. Oh, sure. Do it the easy way. Where's the fun in that?

    On the other hand, it does involve electrodes... or it should... hmmmmm....


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