The Cell Phone Bible, Part I

Idea courtesy of apostate, who found the 'What if...?' text in his Facebook feed.

I. The Sales Pitch
Jesus Christ reverently approached the Throne, wishing (as usual) that he could draw a deep breath. The rarified flesh of angelic bodies had no need to draw breath, and there wasn't any air in Heaven anyway, but drawing a deep breath had been such a profoundly reassuring gesture back on Earth...

"MY SON?" The voice of the Father filled the room. It filled everything, actually, all the time. That was its nature. But here it was... inescapable. "YOU HAVE ANOTHER IDEA?"

Jesus nodded, wishing he could sigh, and launched into his explanation. The Father might expect praises and florid greetings from mortals, and even from the Host, but as the Son, Jesus was His equal and therefore exempt from such things. "I was looking at Facebook, and..."

On the Throne, the Father frowned. The room darkened perceptibly. "YOU KNOW THAT IS A BAD IDEA. IT IS BEST IF WE IGNORE WHAT THEY DO THERE." There was a pregnant pause. "THOUGH I DO LIKE FARMVILLE."

"I know-" Of course Jesus knew. He couldn't help knowing; knowing was part of His divinity. "I know, but listen to this: 'What if we treated our BIBLE like we treated our CELL PHONE; – We CARRIED it in our purse. We flipped through it throughout the day. We went home to get it if we FORGOT it. We RECEIVED messages from the text. We COULDN’T live WITHOUT it. We GAVE it to KIDS as gifts. WE used it in case of emergency. One more thing, it would NEVER be disconnected. JESUS has already paid the bill.' "

"I HAVE HEARD IT."

"Okay, so it's sucking up a bit. It's still not a bad idea. What if we made the Bible work more like one of these cell phones of theirs? Direct two-way communication?"

"YOU BELIEVE THERE IS A PROBLEM WITH OUR SACRED MESSAGE TO HUMANITY?"

"Not at all, Father. The message is perfect. Unfortunately, a lot of people - well, actually, all of them - have a problem with reading comprehension."

"WE WARNED THEM ABOUT THAT. WE WARNED THEM IN THE BIBLE."

"Yes, but that seems to be one of the parts they have trouble understanding. Anyway, I was thinking - if We set their Bibles up for two-way communication, then they could contact Us when they had questions, and We could let them know when they were missing something important."

"WHY DO YOU THINK THEY NEED A BIBLE THAT WORKS LIKE A PHONE? THEY HAVE PRAYER."

"Prayer is unreliable - and their perceptions are limited. They can't always tell when they're getting an answer, and even when We do respond directly, they frequently garble the message." Jesus held up a spreadsheet. "I have some statistics here..."

"I KNOW THEM."

Of course. The spreadsheet vanished as Jesus stopped paying attention to it, and he continued: "Using the Bible would formalize the process. They would be far more certain about when We were communicating with them, and far less likely to misunderstand Our responses."

"VERY WELL. YOU WILL DO THIS. ORGANIZE THE HOSTS AS YOU NEED THEM. METATRON WILL SPEAK FOR ME."

"Yes, Father. Thank you, Father." Triumphant, Jesus departed the Throne. Already he was making plans to create the first angelic Call Center. The Metatron traveled at his side, and Jesus was glad of its help: no being in Creation knew more about talking to mortals than Metatron.