Attention, Dallas/Fort Worth. This is a public safety advisory. A grave danger has struck North Texas overnight, and it is vital that all citizens take adequate precautions. That's right, there is Scary, Scary Wet Stuff on our roads. At this time, we advise all citizens to remain indoors. Do not attempt to drive your cars or trucks under any circumstances. Frankly, we suggest you avoid the sidewalks as well; you just never know how dangerous they might be.
If you absolutely must drive, be advised that you should drop to half the posted speed limit at the first sign of moisture on the pavement. This will help clog the roadway and force others to drive at safe speeds as well. When merging into traffic, take as much time as you need and drive as slowly as you like; attempting to match the speed of the traffic that you are trying to merge into is simply too dangerous to consider.
That is all.
This has been an announcement from the Department of Sarcastic Driving Advice. If you are undertaking, or even seriously considering, any of these behaviors, please get off the road. It's not ice, folks; it's just rain. If you thought that this advice was serious, you may be irony impaired and should call your doctor immediately to determine a course of treatment.