Spring Horoscopes

Aries:
Credit card terminals are likely to be down, so keep some cash on you. Focus on personal growth; you will get taller if you want it badly enough. Beware of pigeons.

Taurus:
Today will be characterized by unexpected weirdness, so be ready to roll with it. Your car is not an alien robot, no matter what it tries to tell you. Do not look into the air vents; you don't want to know what's been staring at you from in there.

Gemini:
It's going to be one of those days where everybody you meet knows you from somewhere, and you don't remember any of them. A silver crucifix will come in handy. Do not sign any contracts.

Cancer:
The furniture is out to get you today, so watch your footing and always look before you start to sit down. Ducks are your friends; geese are not. Wear red.

Leo:
Mercury is entering the influence of the moon, so you're probably going to receive some very weird horoscopes this week. Avoid neckties, dollar coins, and split pea soup. Carry a lizard in your pocket for luck.

Virgo:
Keep an umbrella with you to ward off bad weather. Animals may try to talk to you, but you shouldn't listen. The stock market is basically a giant scam. So is Capitalism.

Libra:
Political disappointments abound, and your co-workers will keep giving you funny looks but none of them will say why. It's okay to feel anxious about this. Keep your paperclips to yourself, and don't let anyone steal your stapler.

Scorpio:
Let go of your assumptions, and new understandings will carry you forward. Your boss is every bit as much of an ass as you think he is. Watch for spiders in unexpected places. Yes, I'm talking about your coffee cup.

Sagittarius:
Little things can make big differences in the coming week, so pay attention to details and keep some cold iron handy. Learning to use pivot tables could save your life.

Capricorn:
There's really no escape, so don't even try. The squirrels are smarter than you, more determined, and far more numerous. Plus, they know everything about you. They even know what happened on that field trip in sixth grade.

Aquarius:
You'll hear the voices in the flames today. You're not imagining them; they're really there. Do not, under any circumstances, agree to do as they ask. You were never meant to hold such absolute power.

Pisces:
Going to be a great day, really. Trust me on this. Everything will be just fine. Just keep your eyes on me and walk forward slowly. No, don't look behind you. There's nothing there. No need to hurry, just walk calmly this way. Good. Whatever you do, don't run.