Thursday, April 28, 2022

April Showers Bring May Horoscopes

Aries:
Make time for self-care this week, and be sure to drink just a little more water than you think you need. An unexpected surprise will benefit you. If you hear the sound of unseen wings in the darkness, run.

Taurus:
Spelling and grammar in emails this week is super-important. Take time to proofread so you don't embarrass yourself. Make sure you're only eating fresh food, and if you find something interesting buried in the dirt, leave it there.

Gemini:
Expect new opportunities this week and keep an open mind... unless they involve skydiving, animal sacrifice, or exploring abandoned prisons and/or asylums. Get some extra rest early next week, and avoid sharp objects on Wednesday.

Cancer:
Focus on setting personal boundaries this week: set a bowl of milk outside your door, but do not invite gray folk inside. Be firm and clear, but keep your voice kind.

Leo:
This will be a great week to do something about that critter that keeps getting into your plants. No, it's not a squirrel or a bunny. You're going to need rock salt, preferably loaded into a shotgun shell. Nothing else will break its concealments. 

Virgo:
Work is likely to be easy this week, so take the opportunity to mend fences and establish good relationships with your co-workers. You may be offered a quest to locate a mythical artifact; if so, take it. It'll do you good to get out of town for a bit.

Libra:
Vehicles are nothing but bad news right now, so take extra precautions. You're likely to hear from an old friend; if you don't, pick one and get back in touch. The great beast calls to you from beyond the hungry stars, but if you ignore him he'll go away.

Scorpio:
Learning new skills will be extra helpful right now. Also, you'll see lizards everywhere: on the floor, under your desk, skittering across the ceiling, hanging on the windows, staring back at you when you look into the mirror. Lizards.

Sagittarius:
The less you say this week, the better. Listen to what's going on around you, and pay careful attention to things you didn't know. There's something under the bed, but it only wants to talk to you.

Capricorn:
Things are looking up this week, but be wary of frogs and unexpected golf balls. If you see a frog with a golf club, just apologize and back away slowly. Make friends with someone who values a good-quality port.

Aquarius:
You're not imagining things. There really is something in the water, but stay out of reach and you should be fine. Shower; don't bathe. Eat extra helpings of vegetables; they're good for you.

Pisces:
A workable design for a cold-fusion reactor will come to you in a dream this week, but unfortunately for all of us you won't remember any of the critical details when you wake up. Avoid any sort of pizza, and don't get into any arguments about what qualifies as "pizza".

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