Thursday, June 21, 2012

Bacon Intervention

I think my wife is getting ready to stage a bacon intervention for me.

Yes, really.

She's started leaving articles around where I can find them.

And then, a couple of weeks ago, she brought home a pack of "turkey bacon". Which... I can't even... Okay, look: I know, she said it was just an experiment. She said she just wanted to try it.

I wasn't fooled. Nobody wants to try turkey bacon. It's the O'Doul's of Pork Products: it has none of the things you'd actually want from your bacon, and it tastes horrible into the bargain.

I'm just worried that we're headed for another Cauliflower Incident.

On top of that... wait, I haven't told you about the Cauliflower Incident? All right, then. Here's how it went down:

I'm innocently eating my evening meal. There something on my plate in the place where the mashed potatoes should go. And it's... close. It's white. It's mashed. But the texture is all wrong. It looks like the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation developed a Nutri-Matic machine to dispense side-dishes: the result is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike mashed potatoes.

So I turn the Beautiful Wife and ask: "What is this?"

"Mashed potatoes," she replies, radiating enough innocence to take the tarnish off silver.

I look again at the spongy, fibery mass that I've just prodded with my fork. At least it hasn't actually reacted to the prodding. "That," I say, "did not come from a potato. Not unless Monsanto has developed a new species that can also be run through a loom to create Organic Potato-Weave Shirts."

There's a long pause. "It's cauliflower," she admits.

"Uh huh," I reply, and promptly eat everything else on my plate.

Anyway... I do not have a bacon problem. I can quit anytime. I mean, okay, yeah - sometimes I overindulge a little bit. Who doesn't? And okay, sometimes I sneak a nibble or two in the breakroom at work, or during my lunch break. It's not like it's affecting my job performance. I do not have a problem.

Well, you know, except for the part where my arteries are so stiff I can't bend my fingers anymore. But aside from that, I'm doing JUST FINE!


  1. I have, in the past, tried similar experiments. Always, and I mean always, with negative results.

    I have found that moderation is the key, really. Just cut back a little. No one can be expected to go cold turkey!

  2. My wife does a really good job of interjecting healthy replacements for bad food in our house. The only rule Facon. I tried turkey bacon, I really did. I'm sorry, I just can't pretend it's good. It sucks. Real bacon is phenomenal because of what it is and how it works. There can be no replacement for it. My wife even eventually conceded that fake bacon just doesn't cut it..

  3. I am also a bacon fanatic and when i have a plate of bacon i just cant help myself. Bacon is truly the crack of food for me.

  4. Pork? Who makes bacon out of pork? Everyone knows that proper bacon is made of beef.

  5. I find mashed potato bland. Cauliflower is wonderful. Though I dread to think what your wife did to the cauliflower to make it look like mashed potato. Sounds like a crime against vegetables.


  6. I am heartily against substituting one food for another. There are lots of nutritious foods that are very tasty on their own merits, whether vegetables or vegetarian proteins. But trying to make one food into something it's not never goes well.

  7. I've only heard of mashed cauliflower for low carb diets. Bacon should be perfectly acceptable on a low carb diet. My understanding is that the secret to good mashed cauliflower is cheese, lots of cheese (and not too much water).

  8. Mmm, Turkey bacon.

    Actually, I'm pretty sure no turkey is involved, either. I'm convinced it's some sort of polymer injected with smoke flavor to taste like "bacon", except that it's a bit ... rubbery.

    And Mashed Cauliflower? I've seen that idea. I've also rejected it outright. Also, you've read Hitchhiker's Guide, I see... :D


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