Notes from the Mad Science Lab: Yeast Perfection

I've just completed a little bit of genetic dabbling that may turn out to be my greatest masterwork. The concept is simple, really: everyone has a selection of microbes that live in their gastrointestinal tract. These intestinal flora serve a variety of functions: aiding digestion, synthesizing vitamins, and keeping out other, harmful microbes.

All I did was add a new set of microbes, with an additional function.

The idea came to me just in time, too. The Mad Science Convention is coming up in August, and everyone will be there, from the merest dabblers to the outright masters of our craft. It's a wonderful opportunity to make connections and exchange ideas. Of course, we all like to show off when we can, and this is the best audience we will ever get. Oh, there's sneering, to be sure, but at least it's sneering from our peers, the ones who can appreciate our work. And, of course, it's a party - a big, wild, strange party.

So this year, I'll be bringing my own modest contribution: yogurt. My yogurt. Packed with all manner of healthy microorganisms, including the ones I just designed. What they do, you see, is sit in your guts with the rest of the intestinal flora, drawing nutrients from the food you eat, and excreting a small but steady amount of single malt Scotch. It's just enough to keep most people lightly buzzed.

So my fellow mad scientists will try my yogurt, and become pleasantly drunk. And they'll be pleasantly drunk for the whole conference, and they'll go home pleasantly drunk. And they'll have me to thank for it.

Brilliant as this is, I can't take complete credit for it. The idea of sharing these microbes - and sharing them at the Mad Science Convention - came to me shortly after I sampled the latest batch. So I have to thank the Scotch for the inspiration. Te he!