Friday, March 5, 2010

When I become Emperor

I was trying to put together a list of the thing that I will do when I become Emperor. The first one, of course, is to pass a law forbidding radio DJs to say anything beyond names of the song, band, and radio station; a one sentence / twelve word lead in may be added once every half hour.

I think the second one will mandate that any major political or religious figure who gets outed after making a career of opposing gay rights will be stripped of wealth and status and forced to spend the rest of his life apologizing.

Also, I will forbid the use of the phrase "take _____ to the next level" under penalty of maiming.

Private gun ownership will become illegal (I may consider a special dispensation for serious collectors). Police and military will retain their firearms; everyone else will have to make do with swords. However, swords and knives may now be worn legally. Also, all vehicles will now be required to come equipped with a sheath suitable for bladed weapons.

All motorized vehicles will be required to have a muffler that actually keeps them quiet. Violators will have their vehicles pounded into junk by neighbors, or - if no neighbors are sufficiently irritated - by the secret police.

Schools and Libraries will actually get funding.

I'm sure I'll think of others - the possibilities for professional sports alone are dizzying - but that's enough to get us started. What would you do if you were Emperor?


  1. Swords sound good (should take up fencing again).
    Being an emperor? Too much responsibility, too little time. I'd rather be the warlord/right hand man.


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