Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Reflections on Proselytizing

My friend Billy and I were just talking the other day about how much easier it must be to proselytize if you’re a Christian or a Hindu or something like that. “Worship with us, and your sins will be forgiven, and when you die you’ll go to Heaven.” Or, “Worship with us, advance your soul, and when you die you’ll be reincarnated as someone better.”

Easy sell, right? If they only knew the truth... But what are we supposed to tell people? “Worship with us, help bring about the death of the world, and when the Ancients rise up they’ll eat you last.” Not the most appealing sales pitch, I’ll admit, but look at what we have to work with. “On the plus side, the Shapeless Lurker doesn’t care a whit about your sins, and the world will end soon anyway, so you might as well do what you want.”

I guess it doesn’t really matter. I mean, when we go door to door, we usually just drug unsuspecting housewives or elderly homeowners and carry them out to the van. Every once in a while we’ll have to make a sacrifice on site, and it can be kind of scary to know you have to hide the evidence of the ritual and make it look like a typical robbery... but you know, I’d still rather do that than actually proselytize.

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