Monday, July 25, 2016


So, a friend pointed out this article, about a fellow who has made a film defending the geocentric view of cosmology. (In English: he proposed to show, in his film, that the Earth is the center of the Universe, and apparently this is vitally important for the future of Christendom.) Which, at a glance, sounds like the sort of batshit-crazy premise that could only be produced by a certifiable kook.

However, upon reading the article, I find that it's... well, it's far more persuasive than I would ever have imagined. In fact, the only real problem with Mr. DeLano's premise is that he didn't take it far enough.

You see, based on a lifetime of personal observation, I can only conclude that in fact the entire Universe moves around me. I am the center; everything else either moves or is still relative to me. (In fact, you could say that any observation of what any object is doing is subject to that... what should we call that... ah, yes: relativity.)

Admittedly, making that realization forces you to do some pretty weird calculations about the way things move...

For example:

I get into my car and start the engine. First, I put the car into Reverse and press gently on the gas pedal. This causes my entire house to move away from me, and in the process carries the garage away from around my car. As the end of the driveway moves past me, I turn the wheel; this cause the world to rotate as well as continue moving, so that the alley gets pulled under my car. At that point I press on the brake and the world quits moving. I then put the car in Drive, and press the accelerator; the world begins to move past me again. Throughout the whole process, I remain sitting still, surrounded by my car.

So you see, officer, you can't say that I drove into that wall. I was merely sitting in my car. Unfortunately, I happened use the controls in such a way that the wall moved over in front of my car and then crashed into me.


  1. Even you don't carry it far enough. Vis...

    You stand outside facing the sun at sundown. You suddenly turn 180 degrees. The sun, 93 million miles away, has to suddenly travel in a semicircle around you. It travels a distance of 292 million miles in a fraction of a second, which is at least 1600 times the speed of light.

    Ordinarily, nothing can travel in excess of the speed of light. However, with *you* as the center of the universe, the speed of light is rendered completely irrelevant. This is the awesome power you have.

    1. Yeah, you'd think with that kind of power I could avoid walking the kitchen chairs into my shin...


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