Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Party of Awesome Campaign Platform

Good people, I am pleased to announce the first draft of my political platform. Here you will learn about the things I stand for, and the goals I will work towards if elected Emperor. Remember, a vote for Michael Mock is a vote for Awesome.
1. The Party of Awesome is comprehensively pro-bacon. We will work to reduce bacon prices, increase the national bacon supply, and improve bacon availability. However, we will not force bacon on anyone. (As the scriptures say, "The bacon which must be forced upon the tongue is not the true bacon.")

2. We can dance if we want to. Also, we can leave your friends behind - because your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance then they're no friends of mine.

3. The Party of Awesome also supports a clean energy initiative. Specifically, we intend to harness the limitless energy of America's toddlers by hanging cookies in front of treadmills. Our researchers assure us that will provide more than enough electricity for the foreseeable future, and also help wear the kids out so that they'll finally go to sleep at bedtime.

4. The Party of Awesome pledges to institute Zombie Defense Training initiatives in all public schools, and provide curriculum for private schools to use at their discretion. Additional programs to cover related threats such as lycanthropy and vampirism are still being developed.

5. We will abolish Daylight Savings Time, because it annoys me.

6. The Party of Awesome will work to implement laws (at either the State or Federal level) limiting the display of holiday decorations and the playing of holiday music to no more than three weeks before the relevant holiday. Also, anyone producing Christmas music will be required to create their own new melodies and lyrics, rather than recycling parts of older tunes.
So, fellow Americans: tell me what you think. What am I missing? What other burning issues should be included in our Awesome platform?


  1. increase the national bacon supply, and improve bacon availability.

    Will this include beef bacon? I know you'd have no jurisdiction in Ontario, but if you could return beef bacon to the grocery shelves of Amherst, NY (just outside Buffalo), it would be much appreciated.

    We will abolish Daylight Savings Time, because it annoys me.

    Will we stick with summer time or winter time? I prefer summer personally, but I am aware that many people are actually awake at 7:30 AM and they deserve sunlight too.

  2. I respectfully submit my resume for the position of Ambassador to the soon-to-be independent Scotland......which of course would require you to nominate me as the Secretary of Single Malt Scotch.

  3. Brin: I believe we can make room for a beef bacon provision in our overall pro-bacon efforts.

    Constitutional Insurgent: Oh, good. I was wondering whom I might find to fill that position. I'm so glad you're willing to make that sacrifice for the sake of our great nation.


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