My Election Day Prediction

Just so you know, I'm writing this 24 hours in advance. This is my prediction for what happens after today's (Tuesday's) presidential election. It'll publish automatically on Wednesday morning, and then we can all see if I was right.

Elections are always dangerous. Politicians and pundits have been warning people (for years, in some cases) about the horrible and disastrous things that would happen if The Wrong People got elected.

Last night, the American Electorate proved them right. Across the country, millions of citizens entered their local voting locations and placed their votes. And, just as everyone feared, they elected The Wrong Guy. And, because America is the only place on Earth that really counts, the misguided results of our election have brought about the end of the world.

While the wailing and gnashing of teeth actually began last night, it wasn't until the sun inexplicable failed to come up this morning that the majority of the country began to understand the true scope of the disaster. Some initial reports suggested a broad-based conspiracy which had reset everyone's clocks while everyone was still confused by Daylight Savings Time, but that idea was abandoned when mysterious fires began falling from the sky.

The fires were followed by the arrival of the angry dead, who had apparently risen from their graves to feast on the flesh of the politically-illiterate living. Fortunately, there were far fewer of them than originally predicted, and in most areas they were quickly put down by groups of self-appointed "Sheepdogs" with guns. Unfortunately, with the entire world perishing in fire and darkness, that doesn't seem like much of a silver lining.

The 11:00 a.m. discovery that the oceans had all turned to blood, while fresh-water streams and rivers had turned to maple syrup, prompted a new wave of panic, despair, and pancake hoarding. The arrival of swarms of giant, carnivorous locusts soon put an end to the rioting, though.

It's quiet now. Even the locusts are gone. I haven't heard a human voice in hours. The battery on my laptop is almost out, and the flashlight won't last much longer. I'll have to put the can opener where I can find it in the dark. It's getting cold, too... I can see frost on the windows. If only we'd known. If only we'd voted differently...

...

...Oh, wait. My mistake. None of that happened. The republic still stands. The Earth still circles the sun. Monsters are not roaming the streets. Our water is still water. Fires are not falling from the sky, either.

Maybe... just maybe... we're still okay.