Wednesday, April 4, 2012

From the Search Logs: How To Mock Atheism

I keep a fairly close eye on the analytics for this blog. Not only does this tell me how much traffic it receives and what pieces are popular, it also shows me what sorts of search terms bring people here. This is often deeply amusing. Why?

Well, a lot of these searches bring people to posts that... um... probably aren't exactly what they were looking for. This, of course, makes me sad for that poor person, who couldn't find what they sought. So, on occasion, I'll take one of those search strings and write an answer for it. I like to think of this as a public service.

Today's search string is: "how to mock atheism".

Naturally, as an atheist myself, I'd love to help... except, I'm not entirely sure how to approach this. I mean, I'd think that if you had some particular reason to want to mock atheism, you'd already have some idea of what it was about atheism that you wanted to mock. At least, when I set out to make fun of something, it's because something in particular about that item or topic has struck me as specifically deserving of mockery. So the fact that you're looking for a How To guide suggests that you're already off to a bad start.

But, y'know, okay. You're sure that atheism needs to be mocked, even if you're not quite clear on why. You can still come up with something.

For starters, assume that atheists don't have any valid reasons for our lack of belief. The moment you consider that we might have some sort of point, your mockery will go off-track. Instead, assume that we're too stupid, gullible, or willfully ignorant to see the clear and evident Truth. Alternatively, just assume that we already know the truth, but refuse to admit it.

Whatever you do, you absolutely must avoid speaking of atheism in atheistic terms. Instead, talk about how atheists use the free will that God gives them to defy Him. Or how we use the brains that God created for us to doubt Him. Make it clear just how foolish we are to be ignoring our eternal peril - maybe compare the atheist to someone floating in the middle of the ocean who keeps refusing to climb into the lifeboat. That one always goes over well.

Feel free to quote Bible verses showing how foolish unbelievers are. Even atheists believe the Bible is true, after all. And we've got to be spectacularly misguided if the Almighty - or at least the Apostle Paul - took the time to point us out for our foolishness. God doesn't bother with the little everyday stupidities, after all. He saves His time and attention for the big stuff.

Lastly, don't forget to talk about how empty and meaningless our lives are. Atheism denies God, after all, so if the atheists are wrong then they're going to spend eternity in Hell - and if they're right, then life is meaningless anyway. It takes a special sort of person to carry on with a faith like that. You've got to be really in love with your sins to choose that willingly.

And there you go. That's how you mock atheism.

I know, I know: I shouldn't be helping you with this. What can I say? I'm an atheist. Mocking things is what we do. It's one of the few pleasures left to us without God in our lives. Admittedly, we prefer to mock things that are Good and Right and True, but in a pinch we'll mock anything, ourselves included - as you can plainly see here.

So now that you've seen how it's done, go forth and make fun of us!


  1. I feel sorry for atheists. They have no one to cry out to in the heat of passion.

    I know it's an old joke, and not good enough to defend by calling it a classic.

  2. "Oh natural processes!"
    "Oh, endorphins!"

    ...You're right, it just doesn't have the same ring to it.

  3. Ha ha ha. Silly atheists!

    You know, making fun of atheists will be so much easier in the afterlife.

  4. Yeah, but by then it'll be sort of redundant!


Feel free to leave comments; it lets me know that people are actually reading my blog. Interesting tangents and topic drift just add flavor. Linking to your own stuff is fine, as long as it's at least loosely relevant. Be civil, and have fun!