Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I must go into politics! Right now!
I'm seeing a brilliant opportunity here! You see, Sarah Palin has apparently just quit her bus tour halfway through. How is this an opportunity for me, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.
You see, this marks a clear and inescapable pattern. All I have to do is take advantage of it. First, I have to convince her to to stay in the race. Then I get her to select me for her Vice-President - which admittedly, might be a bit tricky, but since I've never served anywhere as anything, I figure I can sell myself as precisely the sort of new blood and fresh perspective that Washington so desperately needs. And since I'm from Texas, the Republican base will probably just assume that I'm a Conservative, Christian, Republican who favors mandatory gun ownership for all Real Americans. (If anyone actually asks about my views, I'll fall back on the time-honored political answer: lying.)
Then, once President Palin gets elected, all I have to do is wait. The pattern is clear: two years into her term (earlier, if I'm lucky), she'll step down "to spend more time with her family, don'tchaknow." If the country survives that long, there I'll be: President of the United States of America, and soon to be Emperor of Everything! Peace and prosperity cannot fail to follow.
One thing, though. When this happens, I don't want anyone referring to me as a Manchurian anything. I'd really prefer to be the Trojan candidate. (Sounds much more manly, doesn't it?) If you'd all just keep that in mind, I'd really appreciate it.