For Adele

Adele, honey, you've got to quit calling me. I mean, seriously. How many times do I have to not answer the phone before you finally take the hint? My current girlfriend, or whatever? She's got a long list of ex-lovers who'll tell you she's insane, and she's started referring to you as my "crazy ex". You need to lay off.

Whatever this is -- Loneliness? Sadness? Some sort of nostalgic regret? -- I can't help you with it. I'm living on the other side of the country, I'm in a relationship with somebody else, I've moved on. Because that's what people do.

And these vague romanticisms you keep leaving in your messages? Honey, we aren't running out of time. We ran out of time years ago. We ran out of time back when you broke up with me. Let it go. I don't need your apologies, any more than I need your nostalgia. We were together for a while, and it didn't work out. Sure, it was heartbreaking, but it happens. You sound like you're hoping that I'm still heartbroken about it -- like maybe I never really got over you or something? -- and Adele, that's just not how it works. It's not so much that time heals all wounds, but... people keep going, they find new things to occupy their attention, and eventually they're living completely different lives. I did. You should, too.

And if your life right now isn't enough to do that, then maybe you ought to reconsider what you're doing. Or -- hell, you're in California -- get some therapy. Or both. Find something that makes you happy, and do it.

But for the love of Christ, quit calling my phone. Am I going to have to change my number? Or get a restraining order? How far is this going to go?

Think about it.

~Your Ex