I've mentioned once or twice before that I have a somewhat... ambivalent... relationship with the holidays. I love Christmas and New Year's, but I hate the weeks leading up to them. A large part of my loathing for the holiday season can be summed up in two words: "Christmas music." And a large part of my Kryptonite reaction to Christmas music can be traced directly to the years I spent working in retail.
A few years ago, however, I started assembling a collection of Christmas songs that I actually like - many of which are also ambivalent about the holiday season. This has gone a long way towards improving my relationship with Christmas music - though it's meant making an effort to really look for songs that aren't just the usual holiday drivel.
So there I was, thinking about alternative Christmas carols. And eighties music. And no, I'm not going to pause for another two-paragraph digression about eighties music. Instead, I will completely break character and actually get to the point.
There should be, I found myself thinking, a Christmas carol set to the tune of Guns'n'Roses "Welcome to the Jungle", called "Welcome to the North Pole".
So now, of course, I've got this nonexistent Christmas carol stuck in my head.
Welcome to the North Pole...Which is bad enough. I mean, really.
We've got fun and games
We've got everything you want
Santa, he knows your name
We are the reindeer that can bring
Whatever you may need
If you're on the List this year
We've got all your treats
At the North Pole
Welcome to the North Pole...
But then it occurred to me that this was too obvious. I couldn't possibly be the first one to come up with this. Which meant that somewhere on YouTube, there pretty much had to be...
And oh, dark powers of the universe, it's even more horrible than I ever imagined possible...