February Horoscope

Aries:
Take a few moments for yourself this morning: eat a good breakfast, have an extra cup of coffee, whatever. Then go forth and rampage across the world, leaving a wake of chaos and destruction that will be remembered for a thousand years. This is your day.

Taurus:
Today is a good day for double-checking systems. Make sure the secret door works, the escape route is open, and your go-bag is ready. You won't need them today, but you're going to be very busy, very soon.

Gemini:
Stick to roads and sidewalks today, and avoid creeks, rivers, and other bodies of water. Carry a handful of salt in case something reaches up to grab you.

Cancer:
They'll come hunting you from the upper air, so stay indoors as much as possible. Some sort of hat may be in order.

Leo:
Today is going to be horrible, but at least you can take comfort in the fact that absolutely none of it will be your fault. The police won't agree, of course, but that won't be your fault either.

Virgo:
Your missing stapler is on the boss' desk. If you're going to burn the whole place down and move to some tropical resort, today is the day to do it. Check the envelope on the floor before you leave the building.

Libra:
Aliens will attempt to kidnap you today, but will be foiled by the accidental presence of a bird flying over your head. If you hadn't read this you would be none the wiser, but if you look up at just the right moment you might see the faint, shimmering outline of the ship.

Scorpio:
Do not plan any trips today, not even to the grocery store. You already took a huge risk just by getting out of bed. This would be a great time to build a pillow fort; they can't sense you through the blankets.

Sagittarius:
This will be a great day for dropping things on the floor, so make sure you get a good grip on anything valuable or messy.

Capricorn:
The dark winds howl endlessly between the stars, and the universe grinds on relentlessly: cold, dark, and incomprehensibly empty. This would be a great day for a hot bath and a chance to binge-watch your favorite show.

Aquarius:
Do that thing you've been meaning to do today. You know the one. You can find lime and shovels at the construction site afterwards. Remember to wear gloves.

Pisces:
It'll be fine. Just reboot it, and it'll go back to asking if you want to play a game of chess. Averting a world-ending crisis has never been easier.