I love my wife, I really do. She's a lovely woman, smarter than I am in a lot of ways. There's just this one area where she's... how to say this? ...in error. Unorthodox. Heretical.
See, here's the thing. When I buy hotdogs, I do it right: Oscar Mayer Bun Length Wieners.
My wife, on the other hand, well... She buys Hebrew National Hot Dogs.
Look, it's not that they're bad hot dogs. They're perfectly yummy (by hotdog standards), they're the right length for a hotdog bun... but, well, they come seven to a pack.
Hotdog buns come eight to a pack.
Oscar Mayer Bun Length Wieners also come eight to a pack. That means that you run out of hotdogs at the same time that you run out of buns. That makes Oscar Mayer Bun Length Wieners the only sensible choice for hotdog purchases.
My wife, however, disagrees. She says that Hebrew National Hot Dogs are clearly, obviously superior because they don't have that red dye in them.
Now, all right-thinking people will agree that a bit of red dye is a small price to pay for not running out of hotdogs before you run out of buns, but my wife? She won't hear it. Perfectly sensible in all other areas, but she has this giant blind spot when it comes to hot dogs.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what has driven me to pen this epistle, to set right once and for all the correct approach to hotdogs. There is no middle ground on this. There is no backing down. There can be no reconciliation between the true believers of the Oscar Mayer Bun Length Wieners and the pernicious heretics of the Hebrew National Hotdogs.
...Not unless Hebrew National Hot Dogs start coming eight to a pack, anyway.